The Third Wheel

T minus 11 days

2010-04-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

We matched. Again. It happened a few weeks ago, we had a lovely phone conversation with an expectant mother in Utah and she picked us to become the parents to her baby boy. She's dilated to 2 and they can see the baby's head upon an exam. If she doesn't deliver early, an induction date is scheduled for April 20, 2010 at 7:30 a.m.

It's a boy, and failed match #1 was a girl, of course. The pink (and there was a lot of it) has been packed away. I'm not quite sure for what purpose as I'm constantly reminding everyone (myself?) that we're only doing this once. I only have the strength, the finances, and the desire to ride this roller coaster once. And, hell, it's not even over yet so we might still be in for another ride along the tracks and we don't even know it yet. My efforts to be positive are productive but my instinct to remain realistic trumps all. I refer to him as "the baby", but everyone else refers to him by name. This causes me to add "don't share the name before the baby is born" to my list of "things to do differently next time", even as I promise there will never be a next time. There hasn't even been a "this time".

He's being born in Utah, which means we have to fly to Utah for the birth and stay in Utah until we are cleared through ICPC (fancy name for a government agency that approves the adoption and allows us to leave the state of Utah and return to Michigan), this process usually takes 7-14 business days. Dh won't stay in Utah the whole time, he plans to return home to work so that he can take more time off when baby & I get home. I'm thrilled and nervous about the alone time I'll have with the baby. Mostly thrilled, until I realize there will be an actual baby there, and then I'm nervous.

We're ready. Almost. We have an excellent supply of clothing, thanks to friends and family who have donated to our baby boy cause. The nursery is set up, complete with gorgeous blue bedding and the softest chenille blanket I could find (which is ridiculous because I have a half dozen halo sleepers because we don't plan to use blankets for a while). Packing for an infant, who has yet to be born, to stay in a hotel for 2-3 weeks is quite a task for an almostmommy. I'm hopeful I didn't complete fail though, he does have diapers, wipes, clothes, pacifiers, and a cooler waiting to be packed with donor milk.

The donor milk is because my body, once again, failed at what it should be doing naturally. I tried, for 9 weeks, to induce lactation. I pumped around the clock, ate oatmeal for breakfast, took my herbs, increased my domperidone to 120 mg a day, and never saw a single drop. We were blessed to receive a few hundred ounces through a wonderful donor in Ohio and we'll take her milk with us to Utah. We're still desperate for a milk donor though, as the milk we have will only last 2 weeks or so. Our baby has been exposed to unhealthy toxins in utero and I want to give him the best start in life as possible and I know that's only possible through breastmilk.

11 days and counting...

Why I ate oreos for breakfast

2010-03-02T12:42:00.000-08:00

...and, really, the worst part about eating oreos for breakfast on Sunday morning was that I just *just* purchased them from our local equivalent of Whole Foods. I had a variety of yummy and healthy options available, but instead I paid over $5.00 for a package of oreos. I did manage to stop myself after I devoured the first row.

A few weeks ago...

We discover, after an 11 month match with our surrogate, that her insurance added a surrogacy exclusion effective 1-1-10. We were crushed. The next day, I call a friend, who refers us to the adoption agency that she used to adopt her 2 beautiful boys. Within 24 hours, we were matched with a birthmom who lives 5 minutes away.

We met her, her boyfriend, and their daughter. We attended the doctor's visits, heard our baby's heartbeat, and felt her kick. The birthmom and the facilitator in California decided to devise a plan so that H (the birthmom) could make money off of this adoption. She will be flying to California to deliver. Because the adoption laws for interstate adoptions (ICPC) would never approve of 2 couples coming to CA to circumvent the laws of the state we both live in, it was recommended to H that she select a CA family. We are again, devastated.

Our homestudy is now complete, so we're leaning toward pursuing adoption (again). We actually have our profile being shown to several situations (hopefully) this week. If anything, it is in the hands of the adoption agency and hopefully is getting some visibility.

My heart is so broken. We're so angry that we were so hopeful and allowed ourselves to trust that this *must* be the baby that we were meant to have. All the failure, all the heartache, all the disappointment....it was all because of *this* baby. But, no, it was all for more heartache, more disappointment, and no baby.

I just want my arms to be filled. I want the dozens and dozens of baby girl outfits to disappear. I want to see a color other than pink. I want to erase the feeling of her kicking my hand or the sweet sound of her heart beating.

We will move on. We will pick up the pieces, once I can find them all, and put ourselves back together again. We will become parents. We will find the resources, the money, the woman who will make it happen. We will prevail.

I can feel it

2010-01-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

God is working out His plan. I'm not entirely sure of it all yet, but I can feel Him working. He's very busy. I have hope.

Hope is more than a word--it's a state of being. It's a firm belief that even if you don't know how, even if you don't know when, God will come through and better days are ahead. Life brings rain...Hope dances in the puddles until the sun comes out again.

The problem with having a "Plan A"

2010-01-14T16:36:00.000-08:00

is that it implies it will fail and there must be a Plan B. We would never introduce our current spouses as "my first husband", as if to imply there will be a second. I'm not sure what Plan A ever was...I suppose it was get married, have lots of sex, and one of those times will make a baby. Obviously that's been pushed aside for more exciting plans that have involved attorneys, dozens of doctors, injections, contracts, and lots of additional participants. It's almost as if I forget all the plans we've once had in place, until I'm forced to recall the magnitude of devastation that we've endured in our efforts to become parents.

(Un)fortunately, I had a hysterectomy before my dh & I ever started dating. Only 3 months after we had been engaged we were strongly encouraged to pursue surrogacy if we ever wanted to produce a child using my genetics. We cancelled our perfectly orchestrated Cinderella wedding and packed up the car for a roadtrip to Chicago to meet with the surrogacy agency. It was shortly before egg retrieval that our cycle was cancelled with no hope of trying again due to my very unhealthy ovaries. This was followed by two adoptions situations that were presented to us that failed for a variety of reasons, a lot of marital heartache, and the conclusion to pursue traditional surrogacy. This is the simplified version, of course. And now, Plan (Insert Letter of the Alphabet Here) has also failed. After previous confirmation that M's insurance would cover surrogacy, a final "check" today confirmed that it will indeed not cover her.

Financially, we are not prepared to take the risks of insurance claims being denied or purchasing an additional insurance policy for M. So, for now, we are unsure how a baby will make itself into our arms. We need time to digest, pray, and consider our options (again).

March Madness

2010-01-12T15:40:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure I can even explain our rationale, except to know that we've been reminded that what we want most in life is a baby to love, and so we have moved up our date for insems to March. Just two short months away! For the first time, I can almost feel what it might be like to be expecting a miracle. If God blesses us in our first attempt (which I'm praying he does), we'll be pregnant for Mother's Day and my birthday this year! And, I would have spent the last Christmas without a baby in my arms!

I spoke to the clinic today and they provided us with the lists of testing and preparations for M. She's begining to track her cycles and I ordered her plenty of OPK's that will be delivered to her home this week. I have an appointment tomorrow with an insurance representative to discuss life insurance and short-term disability for M. She also has an appointment next week with her OB for a pap smear and surrogacy discussion.

On to the task of ordering sperm. It seems so surreal, so strange, and completely uncomfortable to be online looking for semen samples. The clinic that will do our ICI has suggested a sperm bank that is local to them. I am off to examine their samples and see if anything catches my eye...if sperm every does catch one's eye.

Would you rather?

2010-01-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

It was the perfect New Year's Eve, relatively speaking. Since labor day dh has been remodeling our basement. It was completely gutted, new walls were built, a new bathroom, a gorgeous bar complete with a kegerator (all for him as I'm allergic to beer), gorgeous fluffy semi-shag carpeting perfect for our little one to crawl on (we even bought the thickest padding so it would be extra soft), and gorgeous tile. It's a perfect space for us and although there is still some work to be done, it was largely complete the morning of New Year's Eve.

Our home has been a major construction zone for months and as often as I've tried to keep it clean, the layers of drywall dust and random construction debris have been unavoidable. I was thrilled to be able to wash my hardwood floors without piles of materials in my way. It felt quite liberating to finally begin to unpack the boxes in the spare bedroom (aka the future baby's room). I made dozens of snacks, wore my comfy pj's pants, and we settled in on our new sofas in our new basement. My bff came over for the evening and we hung out and chatted while my dh played his PS3 that he's been neglecting for months. I had purchased a game from Target on Black Friday called "Would You Rather?", it was on sale for $5 and the lady in front of me in line said it was a fun game. If it was horrible, all I would lose is $5, right? Wrong.

It's a horrible game and I'm quite certain that they'll be releasing a new edition by next Black Friday. "Would You Rather: The Infertility Edition".

The game is a collection of questions that present a seemingly impossible choice: Would you rather be in an ocean, 15 yards away from a shark coming toward you or snowshoeing (who does that?) 15 yards from a grizzly bear coming toward you? Would you rather always cry when you should laugh and laugh when you should cry, or lose the ability to do either? The game seems innocent enough and for the majority of the people who have never had to make impossible decisions, it's probably a delightful game for a fun-filled evening of a reality that I will never know. Instead, it was a horrible game that we had to stop playing because I couldn't relax enough to enjoy any of the questions. I actually could recall, in that moment, the miserable feeling when I have been faced with the difficult 'would you rather' choices. For anyone who has experienced infertility or baby-loss, the premise of the game is all too familiar.

Would you rather try another experimental drug that will make you feel miserable, force you to gain weight, and you'll lose your eyesight or have a hysterectomy right now? I tried the drug, and the next drug, and the next drug from the time I was 10 until my hysterectomy when I was 22. I did gain 20 lbs, I have the stretch marks to prove it, and I did lose a large amount of my eyesight, I have the glasses to prove it.

Would you rather risk your savings (or lack thereof) for a 2% chance that an IVF cycle will succeed (and your ovaries can only sustain 1 cycle) or risk never having a biological child? We will never have the biological child.

Would you rather adopt or pursue surrogacy, both options would result in a child not genetically related to you? We're happily pursuing surrogacy. The 'impossible' part of this question comes from the enormous price tag that's associated with surrogacy, after an already enormous price tag we've already paid to still not be parents.

Would you rather divorce your husband who isn't ready to ttc and make a baby on your own or wait until he's ready to ttc and hope you'll be the family you've always dreamed of? Well, we still haven't officially ttc, but according to dh's wishes and M's cycle, it looks like we will be at the end of May 2010. We're still married, I'm madly in love, but baby-stress is a constant barrier in our marriage.

The questions are endless, the game is horrific. I pray, truly pray, that the remainder of our "would you rather" questions in our life can come from a board game and not our reality.

Ground Rules

2009-12-15T17:15:00.001-08:00

The NY was arrogant enough (which I suppose you can be if you are the NY Times) to write yet another article on surrogacy. The title: (are you ready? It's a good one)....

Building a baby, With Few Ground Rules

So I immediately went to my dictionary just to confirm I wasn't misunderstanding the definition of 'few'. Perhaps there was a hidden meaning that meant we didn't need doctors, lawyers, surrogates, donor sperm, contracts, life insurance policies, debt, and the ten's of thousands of dollars that created it. Perhaps that defined the 'few'.

The most painful part of the article, which features a horrid bitch named Lachelle who took back the 2 children she birthed through a donor sperm & donor egg surrogacy, was that this is occurring in my backyard. Not literally, but almost. Just miles away, the intended parents sat in their empty home much as I am doing now. They had hope, just as I am trying to have now. The walls in their home probably didn't have a single child's fingerprint on them (as the neighbor mentioned to me today how nice it must be to not have children touching my freshly painted walls). Their home was too quiet, the bank accounts too small, and their fears too overwhelming. But, just as I, they proceeded down a path that requires trust when we have no strength left to trust. The bar was set higher and so they jumped higher. They trusted. They spent everything they had and gave every bit of themselves to another one. And that bitch stole their babies.

Somewhere along the path of infertility I've realized that anger doesn't feel quite as bad as sadness. If I'm angry, it can be at somebody instead of sadness which is mine to own. It's too painful to be sad for Amy & Scott, so instead I'm furious at their surrogate. Amy & Scott, I'm sorry you trusted and were deceived. I'm sorry you spent more than you had and are left childless. I'm sorry you're on the TV in so many homes right now because Lachelle went to the media. I'm so sorry.

The few ground rules that the NY times article refers to is the lack of laws that support or defend one's rights in a surrogacy agreement. I agree. It's actual bullshit that such an arrangement is deemed to be illegal in my state but can be done for international couples if you take a jet plane to California. Perhaps they should make an island for all of us infertile couples to live on and we should have a new constitution and a set of Senators that actually work through the summer so they can craft laws that will entitle us to become parents. Until then, we proceed in the only way we can. We turn to sperm and egg donors, surrogates, doctors, accupunture, herbal supplements, and anything that offers even a false promise of making us parents. When the government would like to work more than 6 months out of the year, when judges are willing to enforce the intent of a contract, and when doctors and attorneys can get us pregnant without making us broke, then perhaps we can build a baby with even fewer ground rules.

2009-12-07T06:44:00.001-08:00

M and her dh went Christmas shopping this past weekend to a large shopping area near their home. They stopped at an outlet mall that I'm assuming she'd never been to before and she sent me a text sharing her excitement about the selection of baby and maternity stores and that she and I will have to go there next summer. Next summer. I'm sitting in my office as I type this watching the first snow flurries hit the cold Michigan ground. The next time I sit outside on a hot summer night, the next time we unpack the patio furniture, the next time we swim in the neighbor's pool, the next time we light fireworks, the next summer will be the summer we've been waiting for.

Our basement remodel has transitioned from a mess of electrical wiring, insulation, and drywall dust to a space that is about to become livable, comforting, and warm. The paint is going on the walls today and the 'man's bar' is in full construction mode. The bathroom has been tiled and carpet installation is scheduled for December 23rd. It's bizarre the connection that I'm able to make between this project and our baby. My dh has done most of this work himself but we are contracting out some of the specific projects, one of those is the man bar. I'm literally in awe how these men are able to transform the piles of wood into such a beautiful structure. I went downstairs yesterday to check on their project and was struck at the talent that was evident in my basement. I was so thankful for their excellent work and felt compelled to tell them that they weren't just building any bar, but the bar that is in the space that we will rock our baby to sleep, change his diaper, and perhaps even the space where he will learn to walk. This isn't just any bar! I resisted my urge to share those thoughts with them, but continued thinking them still.

Dh has made a single decision thus far in our surrogacy journey and that is: He doesn't want to know the gender of the baby. Yep. I'm not sure if he's forgotten he married a type A, can't remember that I plan everything about 3 years in advance, or simply enjoys the idea of torturing me...but whatever the reason, he's certain he doesn't want to know. I'm actually quickly warming up to the idea of the surprise.

We've gained a month!

2009-11-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

2 friends announced their pregnancies yesterday, which sent me spiraling into a baby rage-depression. After the crying, screaming, swearing, and snot filled sobbing had subsided, dh suggested that we move our big ttc date from July to June. It wasn't quite the January that I had been begging for, but after so many childless years, I will take what I can get! So, June it is. Around midnight I sent a text to M to share the exciting news & June works perfectly for her and her dh. They are ready and waiting on us so I'm sure a month sooner is a welcomed change.

June is 205 days away! I've planned vacations with a longer countdown than 205 days! I can do this. I can wait 205 days after waiting this long. I can do this...

I'm terrified

2009-11-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

I've tried to convince myself that I'm not terrified, but it hasn't worked. I'm completely scared that M's little angel's health situation is going to mean that M can't be make our dreams come true. Perhaps that sounds selfish, and in so many ways it is, but I can't help but feel that my dream is in limbo, it's existence is now uncertain.

There was an odd sense of confidence when I finally realized that we'll do doing traditional surrogacy with donor sperm. As sad as I am that my dh or I cannot contribute to the creation of our future baby, I was also certain that as long as my medical conditions weren't involved in the making of a baby, it would be a success! The less needed I was in baby-making, the more productive it was going to be (or it is going to be, I'm still not sure what tense to use. Hence the terror). This moment, of the life-shaking fear that M must be feeling as her little one is ill, is the first that I've realized that we are truly dependent on 2 individuals to make us parents. I've always understood that intellectually, but it is the first emotional grasp that I've had on that concept. If something happens in M's life that needs her complete attention, surrogacy obviously cannot be her priority. I wouldn't want it to be her priority. I want more than anything for the doctors to call and tell her it's all been a mistake. Every test, xray, cat scan, and diagnosis have been wrong...and S is completely healthy. I don't want S to be ill and I don't want M to have to be under the stress of having so much medical uncertainty.

But I don't walk in M's shoes, I walk in my own, and I stand here shaking in my boots that there is yet another obstacle to jump over before I can hold my baby in my arms. Perhaps it's the lack of faith that I have in medicine, which is obviously founded in my own failed attempts to heal and exist for just a day as a normal, healthy, woman. Perhaps it's the fear that if it can stop me from being a mom, it will. Or, it may be the reminder that I truly have no control over my own parental destiny (or any destiny for that matter). I get it God. Aren't we done with the life lessons yet?

It's been quite a while since I've had the emotional breakdown that I'm having now. So far, I'm successful at drying the tears before my husband gets home, clearing my voice before I answer the phone, and smiling when I feel like screaming. I want to know why. Why do any little kids need to ever be sick? (Hailey, you are in my prayers always) Why any parents ever need to know the fear of losing their child? (Maria, your in my daily thoughts) and why God needs to continue to threaten my motherhood? I'm pretty certain that a hysterectomy, menopause at 26, male infertility, and every woman I know under the age of 35 being pregnant is enough of a reminder that motherhood is going to be tough to come by.

Is this what happens when you have hope? It's not over, I know I'm overreacting a bit, but this is opening a wound that has not yet healed.

I really am crazy

2009-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night I began having hallucinations. I didn't know that's what they were until my doctor used that term, but I described them to dh as "a nightmare I couldn't wake up from". It was horrible. Afterward, I was exhausted and felt like I was drunk. Driving was a challenge and I couldn't work at all. All I could do was sleep (which is odd because I normally can never sleep). I'm relieved and frustrated to discover that a medication that has been given to me to help hot flashes has caused this. Effexor XR, which is primarily used for anxiety and depression, has been shown to reduce hot flashes. A few months ago I was put on it when they reduced my estrogen as a result of the ichemic colitis (the thought is that the hormones are causing blood clots which are causing the ischemic colitis). I had a very rough time going on the medicine and it's been hell taking it everyday, but I keep telling myself that it will eventually get better. Obviously it won't. Going off the medication is apparently as risky as remaining on it, so I have slowly began a system of weaning myself off of it. It was one of the scariest moments in my life so I hope to get off of this soon and get this out of my system. It's an extremely frustrating choice to decide which of the two shitty quality of lives I should live with, but clearly having hallucinations (along with every other horrible side effect of this medicine) isn't a reasonable option.

So yesterday I was living with the side effects of a miserable night of panic when I heard from M. Her youngest daughter, S, was very ill a few weeks ago with suspected H1N1. They ran some tests and a Cat Scan which showed thymus fullness with associated enlarged lymph nodes. Subsequent blood work was ran and the results came back on yesterday which indicated her LDH levels were elevated. The enlarged lymph nodes, thymus fullness, and elevated levels all indicated that something was obviously wrong and the chief concern was lymphoma (i.e. cancer). She was sent to Children's hospital for testing today. Thank God, her levels have began to decrease. We still don't have all the answers, but it is possible that it is/was a severe systemic infection. The levels decreasing seem to take the "c" word out of the picture. Thank. God.

Of course, the health of this little girl was the primary thought on my mind. Cancer and children are two words that shouldn't be spoken in the same sentence. It should never be. Once my mind began to wander away from the sole realization that this little girl may be very ill, I realized the implications this may have. My heart stopped. While M could be starting the fight of her life, I'll still be struggling with how to resolve mine. I've known about the joys of having such a connection to another family, but I had not considered the terror of having such a interconnectedness with them.

As naive as it may seem, it never occurred to me that M's life circumstances could stop my dreams from coming true. My motherhood is so dependent on her, I felt terrified for her daughter but just slightly less terrified for myself. I called my husband right away and we talked and prayed for S. And in almost the same time it took for me to realize it, my dh's heart skipped a beat. He realized, also, what this could mean for us. He said, "I'm so sorry honey, but let's just take this one day at a time." The story of my life. It's been years of taking things one day at a time and all of these days added together still have not produced a baby. My days begin and end with the comfort of knowing that in 238 days (give or take a day based on M's ovulation), all of this will be worth the wait. The tears, the medication, the pain, the rocky marriage, the tens of thousands of dollars, the fear, the loss...it will all be worth it. What if that 238 days turns into another year or two? I should know that I will survive, I should have confidence that God will carry me through the wait as He always has, but yet I looked for shelter and wanted to hide away from the thought that my dreams might be in limbo. I can't handle limbo any longer. This temporary moment of uncertainly has been an unwelcome reminder that I have no control over my ability to become a mom. I need to completely surrender to the rest of the world; allow the universe to align itself, and then perhaps it might allow me the honor of motherhood. Meanwhile, some teenagers are getting knocked up after drinking too much Boone's Farm last night. Why don't the planets need to align for them? Why do they get that control over their own destinies?

I will continue to pray, both for S and for myself. For her health and for my sanity. For her strength and mine. For M's dream to be healthy and for mine to come to fruition. I will pray for understanding; why one ever needs to fear that her child might have cancer. And why one ever needs to fear that she may never be a mom.

Dream #2....check

2009-11-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

Oprah was amazing. It was the single greatest day of my life thus far. I have officially checked Dream #2 off of my dreams-to-do list. (I never wanted to get married, so that isn't anywhere on my dream list, in case you were wondering where that fit in). Dream #1 is now 8 months away from its begining...

It's going to be a wonderful year, 2010 is the Year of Hope in our home. We don't have any big New Years Eve plans, but in our home with just dh & I, we will be celebrating for all the miracles yet to come in 2010. I cannot wait for the new year!

Heartbroken

2009-10-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm so incredibly sad it's tough to even type about it. A very dear friend adopted their second baby in May. The birthfather knew about the pregnancy for the entire duration and chose not to participate. They were required to wait 60 days post-birth for it to be completely clear. On the 59th day he decided he wanted to assert his rights. It's been a court battle since then and they just had a hearing. The 18 year old birthdad showed up...with his mom. (You f*cking loser!), he wants full custody. He explained to the court that he's fit to be a parent because as long as he stays living with his mom he can afford to make child support. Excuse me? And, ladies and gentlemen, here is our legal system at it's best.

Dream Big

2009-10-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a myriad of medical bullshit, I was home early from work today and had a chance to veg on the sofa and catch up on Oprah reruns. A recent episode featured a variety of individuals who had achieved the semi-classical fairytale from rags to riches. One such individual is now the lead singer of Journey, apparently the 80's band had their lead singer leave them a decade ago and they found this new guy thanks to YouTube. He was stricken with poverty and living in the Philippines but thanks to his internet video he is now performing in front of thousands and making millions. Oprah asked him if he ever dreamt of achieving such success, his reply? He never dreamed that big, he simply wanted to escape poverty. While his response was a fleeting a moment within an hour long show, I couldn't ignore the tinge my heart felt when I heard his response. In so many ways, he allowed himself to settle. He was capable of (apparently) being a lead singer in a popular American band and his standard to exceed was to simply climb out of poverty.

If I could sit back and imagine my greatest dreams, considering all the reality I live within, an intimate and connected surrogacy journey is my biggest wish. Had we proceeded with parenthood a year or two ago, when I was literally on my knees in hysterics begging my husband for a baby, we would have traveled down the more traditional infertility path toward adoption. Surely, we would love our baby and my heart would be aching less than it is today because it would already be filled with the joys of motherhood. I wonder though if there are parts of my heart that can only be healed through surrogacy.

We have the divine blessing of a surrogate who is willing to make us parents from her biological connection, and with the help of a sperm donor, our child will have no genetic connection to either of us. Adoption is definitely a logical choice, but it doesn't complete my soul in the way I expect surrogacy will. As often as I dream about the precious moments with my newborn I also dream of the precious moments during the pregnancy. I wonder how I will be able to stay away from M for more than a few days at a time, how much I'll want to be near her to be near the baby. I want to spend time with M's kid's so that one day in the future as they encounter people who may have adverse opinions toward their mother's choice to be a surrogate, they can remember me and remember the happiness and joy that their family brought to ours. I want to hear the heartbeat every moment I can. I keep having this random baby fantasy that M is pregnant during Christmas time and I wake up Christmas morning to a phone call from her in which she plays our baby's heartbeat for us. There is nothing greater that could be under the Christmas tree.

In an odd sort of way, I'm proud of my dh & I for allowing ourselves to dream big. To not settling for what is less than we are capable of. For reaching out, to join together with another family for a lifelong journey together, and strive everyday to give back in the greatest ways possible. Dream big? I just have.

Door Handles

2009-10-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Our basement remodel project (AKA: my extreme nesting renovation) is going well, despite a very chaotic weekend. We had no water, hot water heater, or furnace all day Saturday or Sunday. Thankfully, my very patient and loving husband had it all fixed by Sunday evening with much progress made in the basement. It's amazing how every decision we're making for this project involves "the baby".

Last night we went to Home Depot to pick out door handles for the doors that he'll be installing. We stood in the isle examining all the options and having a discussion about which doors should have locks on them. We decided that all the doors would be without any locking functions except the bathroom door. It's completely ridiculous as I look back on our discussion, standing in home depot, not expecting a baby anytime soon and discussing how we don't want our child to be able to lock himself in any of the rooms in the basement. The problems with that conversation are endless...we don't have a baby, we aren't expecting a baby, even if we have a baby next year it won't be walking or able to open a door. In theory, we purchased door handles in anticipation of our non-existent child being safe and unable to lock himself in a room in the basement.

*****

We leave this week for our magical vacation to Disney World. It may very well be the last Disney trip we take as a couple. Although, my dh is convinced that we should go again in May before we start ttc. I certainly cannot argue against a Disney vacation! It's always such an emotional time going to Disney together. I absolutely love Disney, it's a true passion of mine, but seeing all the children and all the families always reminds me of the empty place in my heart. I will do my best to fill it with pixie dust, Mickey ears, and sunshine.

*****

Doctors have me on a new medication and insurance classifies it as a "contraceptive" so it's a wonderful $120 per month. That's more than our cell phone bill, our car insurance, or our water bill per month. I called the insurance company to clarify how they could possibly charge me, sans uterus, for a contraceptive. I knew I wouldn't win the argument but it's still a fight worth fighting. Abortions, Viagra, and pregnancy are covered but apparently medication for a 26 year old going through menopause defies all rational understanding from the insurance company.

Is the black cloud lifting?

2009-10-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

Since I was cursed with a period at 10 years old, I've had a black cloud of infertility following me everywhere. It was my shadow at every doctor's visit, surrogacy agency, adoption agency, conversation with my dh about baby making, it was even there on my wedding day. There are days now that I'm convinced the black cloud is still following close-by. I see the images of all my pregnant friends/relatives/neighbors in the reflection of the cloud.

When we met M, I thought just for a second that perhaps the cloud was lifting. Perhaps, despite the years of it's seemingly eternal attachment, it was learning to adjust to separating from me. I had her, this beautiful woman who had agreed to be our angel. There surely isn't a black cloud in site. And then we returned to reality and the cloud joined us. He was there during all the poor semen analysis and urologist appointments. He stayed by my side as I fought, screamed, and cried with my husband as we realized we'd need both a surrogate and a sperm donor to become parents. I've been fearful that this cloud would follow my entire path to parenthood but it seems I've found it's weakness: M. The cloud wasn't around when M was around and today M emailed to say that her new insurance does not have a surrogacy exclusion! It's almost surreal to consider that it's happening so easily, without a cloud in site.

*****

In 9 months, we'll be pregnant. I'm quite amused that the countdown has now reached a point in which it equals the gestational period. It's a wonderful way for me to find happiness as I wait for the greatest journey of my life. Too many people in my life are pregnant right now and soon they will be having their babies. And for those 9 months that I knew of their pregnancy, it is that length of time until I can declare our own pregnancy. Just 9 months. And, once I wait these 9 months, I will only have to wait that duration one more time until I hold the greatest miracle in my arms. I will bring my baby to my breast to nourish him the way a mother does. I will look into the eyes of the other miracle in the room and wonder how I will ever be able to thank her for changing the world through her selflessness and empathy to create a life that she will allow me to nurture and love for eternity. I promise, M, that I will work so hard every moment to be the best mother that I can be...not only because my child deserves that, but because it is truly the only way to show you our genuine thanks for all you have done.

Anything but a nursery

2009-09-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

As part of my chronic, compulsive "nesting" disorder and my husband's desire to expand our livable space, we've decided to remodel our basement. Our old basement was finished, but probably in the 1970's and the people who did it were so lazy that they paneled right over all the windows, leaving us with a definite feeling that we were living in a cave. Our basement didn't get much use, except for all the wonderful space that we could store everything. Now, that everything has been moved throughout the house as we have emptied almost everything from the basement.

We had a contractor lined up to do the work and then he decided to never call me back for several days, when I had important questions about the work he was to start in a few days. I followed Oprah's advice to "Believe people when they show you who they are the first time", and I knew it would be unlikely that he would be urgently returning my phone calls once he had my money in his pocket, so I fired him. Over email. I actually preferred to do it over the phone, but he never answered my calls. So, blackberry to blackberry and it was done. This occurred after the basement was already emptied and my dh was giddy with anticipation of having a beautiful new basement. Dh decided that he wanted to construct this basement himself and had me imagine how wonderful it will be that he works with his own two hands to create the space that we will soon call our "family" room. I couldn't resist the warmth in my heart as I imagined us, in our new living space that was created by my own husband, as we glowed with joy as friends and family came to see our baby. I imagined exactly where the baby swing would go and thought it would only be appropriate to also have a bassinet downstairs for the little one to rest in for those short periods of time that he's not in my arms.

We've decided to carpet half the basement and install pergo in the other half. The true purpose for the pergo is so I won't kill one of my dh's friends if he spills a beer on my new shag carpet. However, dh has convinced me that the pergo will be the ideal spot for the "kid's table" during holiday's so our children, nieces, and nephews won't make a mess of our new carpet. He knows that I cannot resist any suggestion that involves our future family. He's even convinced me that we should pre-wire the bar to have a flat panel television. Although this seems quite similar to what a sports bar would have, he's suggested that it would be for the children to watch TV during a big game. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to put a DVD in for the kid's while the adults are watching a football game on the big TV? Interesting how he's also thrown in a "big TV" into his plot.

We have a three bedroom home, the third bedroom has two entry doors that have been removed and we use it as an office. A bookshelf stretches almost the entire length and height of the wall to hold my dozens of books about how to make a baby, obviously none of them proved to be very successful. The second bedroom is the 'nursery', although I can't hardly bring myself to refer to it as such, but it's always the label that I mentally assign to it. It usually contains a double bed, small vanity area where I blow dry my hair, and random articles of clothing that haven't found their place in our main closet yet. Currently, it is packed solid with Rubbermaid containers, wall hangings from the basement, the mesh bag of mis-matched socks, early Christmas gifts that I've purchased, the ironing board, along with other remnants from our basement.

Although it never functioned as a nursery before, it was always clean and organized and much easier to envision quickly becoming a nursery with just the removal of a few pieces of furniture and a fresh coat of paint. It would require so much work now to transform that space into anything appropriate for even the smallest of babies. Perhaps all the effort that would need to be exerted to make the room a nursery is a gentle reminder that there is still quite a bit of effort required before we become parents. Some days it seems so simple, we have a surrogate that we're in love with, a small amount of money going into our "baby account" every month, and a hidden container of baby items that have been purchased over the past several hopeful months. But today it seems overwhelming. Today I realize that I need an egg, and sperm; both of which we don't have. I need them to find themselves in the perfect moment of marriage and create a miracle for us. I need 9 months of uncomplicated gestation, a beautiful day of healthy birth, and an attorney, court date, and tens of thousands of dollars. It's too much to imagine sometimes. It's too much that I can't control, too much money that I don't have, and too much too risk. And then I remember, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" -Anonymous

Challenges

2009-09-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

I've really been doing well with trying to learn and absorb the lessons that infertility is teaching me. I'm slowly learning to embrace our temporary childless state (emphasis on the temporary) and learn to enjoy these moments alone with my husband. I can see now, the deliberate actions of the Universe and the perfect pattern of events that will lead to my becoming a mother at the perfect time, with the perfect surrogate, to the perfect child. Despite my aggressive attempts to intoxicate myself with all these profound lessons, the Universe doesn't shop challenging me. What more must I learn? It seems only appropriate that there should be a limit to the number of intensely difficult events that one must endure in life. While I know such a limit doesn't exist, it still takes me by surprise when I find myself facing yet another.

After my "ischemic colitis" diagnosis while we were visiting M, which lead to a hospital stay after enduring a lot of pain, blood, and misery, I've been not feeling great. Nothing too horrible but I know my body enough to understand that I haven't been normal. Over labor day weekend they did another colonoscopy and the biopsies were normal. They know what the diagnosis is, they just don't know what is causing it.

Sunday night I woke up in a lot of pain and called the doctor on-call. I explained to him my medical history and he wanted to speak directly to my doctor (who is both a clinical and research expert in my disease) before he advised me. Monday a.m. he called back to say they had me scheduled for a colonoscopy on Tuesday. I immediately had to leave work to start the glorious bowel prep. Despite the raging hemorrhoids and horrible cramps I had anyway, the bowel prep went relatively smoothly. I went to bed at 10:00 p.m., ready for the colonoscopy the next morning. I made it until midnight at which point I woke up in extremely intense pain and the immediate sensation that I was going to pass out. I woke up my dh & told him what was going on. I was afraid to move, knowing I was going to pass out, but had to get to the bathroom right away. I crawled to the bathroom, went to the bathroom, and then immediately fell off the toilet and passed out. Dh caught me (he's learning now to not let my head hit the ground) and I was out for a little bit. I awoke and all I could say was "bucket" and he ran into our office to get the garbage can. I vomited so intensely for quite a while and then passed out again. At that point, we called the dr. on call and they told us to go to the ER. Because I have to be seen at the University of Michigan, our ride to the ER was almost a full hour away. When I started to get up off the bathroom floor to go to the ER, I realized I had gone to the bathroom while I was passed out and didn't even know it. My poor husband. I changed my clothes and got in the car. We had to stop on the freeway so I could go to the bathroom again, I couldn't make it to the exit. I've heard of people doing this before, but I've never done it myself, it's quite strange to have your pants pulled down as semi-trucks are driving past you. Thankfully, I'm not shy and it was very dark with few cars on the road.

We manage to make it to U of M without any major problems, although I cannot walk on my own and my ability to function is extremely limited. I lay down on a bed in the ER immediately as the nurses are asking me questions, I tell them, "I'm going to pass out now". I'm not sure she believed me because she didn't react, but dh knows that I don't say that unless it's really going to happen. I passed out while lying completely flat on my back in bed which something that is very rare to do as your body usually passes out to force you to lay down, but I was already laying down. They had a very difficult time reviving me & ended up having to give me some injection and oxygen to get me to wake up. Thankfully, that was the last time that I passed out. They temporarily cancelled the colonoscopy because I wasn't stable enough but then rescheduled it when I started to show signs on improvement. The colonoscopy proceeded and the anesthesia didn't work at all and I was awake for the entire thing. Of course. I was then admitted to the hospital for another night and released yesterday.

I'm searching really hard to find out what I'm supposed to learn through all of this. I've watched as one-by-one my organs have been removed as one disease after another is discovered. I never imagined that such problems would continue to expand through the remaining parts of myself. I simply can't imagine that there are great lessons to be learned from a colon disease? I suppose there must be, and i just haven't found them yet.

Alone

2009-09-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me that there will be countless people involved in making me become a mother but yet I still feel so alone. I would give anything if just for one hour my dh could live in my thoughts. If he could understand how it is truly impossible to get through the hour without second-by-second reminders of infertility.

I was speaking to someone on the phone in the surrogacy world today and she mentioned a sperm bank that I had never heard of before. When I checked out their website I was really liking their donor selection (a lot of PhD & MD donors, a lot of them tall, which are two main factors we are looking for) until I read that they are entirely anonymous. It's been known since April or so that we will likely be needing a donor, at which time I spoke with dh about all the factors we have to consider when selecting a donor and he replied with the infamous "I'll think about it" remark. So, nearly five months later, I ask him "What do you think about using an anonymous donor?" He replies "Yea, that sounds good. Can you scratch my back?" I just looked at him, I couldn't believe any decision regarding such an important aspect of our child begins with "Yea". I scratched his back. He asked what my thoughts were & told him. If we use a donor that will allow his identity revealed upon request of our child, our child will always have that option. Selecting an anonymous donor removes that as an option forever. We should keep all options available for our child. He replied, "Oh, ok, that sounds good then."

My voice started to get louder, my patience shorter, and my words stronger. How do you just vacillate between those two options so easily? Haven't you considered these options? What exactly did you mean 5 months ago when you said that you would think about it? Was that simply a rhetorical statement meant to appease my sense of urgency? When were you planning to think about it, as M is pushing our baby out of her vagina? When our teenager is walking across the stage receiving his high school diploma? Perhaps neither of those times, perhaps you would put off thinking about it until I unilaterally make the decision which frees you from any further obligation toward that particular topic. And then, when we need to have discussions with our child about his genetic background, I'm sure you'll assume that I'll handle those discussions also because, afterall, I'm the one who decided to use a particular donor.

"What would you like me to do? I can't think like you. How do I think like you?" Ahh, perfect question my dh posed. So, I thought briefly, how does he think like me? How do I think about such things? I propose:

Divide the day into 15 minute increments. 5 minutes of those 15 are completely dedicated to thinking about a baby. It can be any variety of baby related topics. You now have 10 minutes left. A diaper commercial will come on TV, so you change the channel and the local news is talking about a potential "labor strike" at a local manufacturing plant. However, since you're me, hearing "labor" makes you think of a baby, which makes you think of M, which makes you think that you can't believe you are putting another woman in pain for your benefit. It makes you think about how you'll ever repay her. Speaking of repaying, how the hell are we going to fund this surrogacy journey? Back to the labor. We should write a birth plan now. I wonder if M knows if the hospital she's working & will deliver at is surrogacy friendly. I wonder if they'll give us our own room. We should include that in the birth plan. I wonder if both of us can stay in the room with her if we can't have our own room. What if she needs a C-section, will she still have one of those big labor rooms? Speaking of C-section, we should get M some help after the baby if she needs to have a C-section. That's enough, I'm turning the TV off. I should do laundry. I wonder if I can make my own laundry detergent that is safe for the baby, like dreft. On my way to the laundry room I walk through the office, the unsigned surrogacy contract sits inside a special folder on my desk; dozens of infertility, surrogacy, adoption, menopause books sit on the bookshelf. That can't be normal for a 26 year old. Oh, and about menopause, here comes another hot flash.

15 minutes is up. Repeat daily in 15 minute increments until you're a mother. That, my husband, is how you think like me. Now, you must devise a plan to still function as a semi-normal human being and fulfill all other adult obligations while having a brain that is incapable of thinking of any thought without somehow connecting it to our baby.

************************************************************************************

It's not him, it's me. It's not normal to be like this. Seriously, not normal. It's actually part of what is so depressing about this situation...I've turned into a person that doesn't live a normal life. Everyone is pregnant right now and that is not helping. I thought I had triumphed over the "everyone is pregnant" stage last year when both my bff and 2 SIL's were pregnant at the same time. But, it's happening again. My neighbor is pregnant with baby #2, a very close family friend is publicly discussing her readiness to begin "trying" (if she only knew the depth of that word), another family friend is pregnant, my cousin just delivered (and no one wanted to tell me she was pregnant so I found out at a family function when they said her mom couldn't make it because Erica had just delivered. Delivered what?, I asked), my bff's brother & wife are pregnant, even M's SIL is pregnant. Everyone is preparing for a baby and I'm arguing with my husband about which other man's sperm we'll use to try and make our baby with another woman's eggs. It's too much to wrap my head around at times...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

2009-09-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

That could be our baby's due date. Of course, it's too soon to know exactly when M will have her last period before we do insems, but, I've been playing around with the numbers and a July 2010 insem that results in a BFP could give us a due date in March 2011. It's so surreal how it feels so far away but yet so incredibly close all at once.

We have managed to tell absolutely no one, except my bff Christy (who is also our attorney that will handle the step-parent adoption & other surrogacy related matters) about our plans to pursue surrogacy. Our parents and family still feel that since my ovaries were removed we can abandoned the idea of surrogacy. My mom will occasionally mention about when "you adopt" and still asks questions about adoption. When she meets someone who has adopted their child, she tells them that he daughter will be adopting "someday" soon. I feel slightly, emphasis on the slightly, guilty to be lying by omission about our true plans for parenthood. My mom would be incredibly thrilled to know that we've met M and that we love & trust her and her wonderful family and she is going to make us parents. I'm not worried about what anyone thinks or fearful about what anyone might say. It's just that our battle to win the position of parenthood has been very public and the defeat was tough. I don't surrender easily and I was forced to surrender to this evil enemy also known as my body.

I know our families would be thrilled to wait the next year with us as we anticipate all the excitment that will come when M is pregnant. They would all want to meet her and her family immediately and express their genuine gratitude. In some ways, I would like that support and affirmation by telling everyone. But, there are so many reasons to keep it quiet. Our plans for surrogacy with M is a very personal secret between my dh and I. When we're together and my mom mentions something about adoption, we both nod in agreement but in my heart I know that we have a grander plan and that plan is private between he and I. In a strange sort of way, I feel as if this is how it's supposed to be. Most couples don't announce to their parents the date or method by which their grandchild will be conceived. Those moments are meant to be private, shared between the love of a man and a woman. This moment is still our moment, it is still the moment that our child will be conceived. It is, however, shared between 2 men and 2 women. A love that two couples have, both for their own spouses, and for each other. M would unlikely be doing a surro journey if not for the support of her dh. And I certainly wouldn't be engaging in surrogacy without the love and support of J. Two couples will be making a baby; two times the love; two times the commitment; two times the support. This most certainly will succeed!

There are specific daydreams that continually replay themselves in similar form. The most popular show seems to be that of our baby shower. I cannot stop day dreaming about the decor, the smiles on every one's faces, our adorable nieces helping with the presents. What I most daydream about that day is how I will be in front of some table, opening some gifts, while the perfect gift that God has ever given me will be seated in front of me. She'll be wearing the maternity outfit that we picked out together, as we've agreed to go shopping for maternity clothes together. She will be smiling and I'm sure at least one hand will be place atop her firm, round belly. As excited as I will be to receive dozens of onesies, thousands of diapers, and a collection of baby items that I'll probably only use for a few months; I am actually most excited for this woman and for what she has done for me. I want her to know that no matter what terrific baby gift I open at my shower, nothing compares to the gift she will be giving me very soon. I want her to know instinctively that I would give everything back. I've learned my lessons. Life is not about the "stuff", it's about the miracles, the acts of kindness, and the understanding of compassion. Those are values we must never let go. She, in all her beauty, exhibits those traits even today. Even when she's not pregnant, she is so understanding and compassionate about what women like myself must go through to become parents that her frame of reference has been forever altered. She has changed.

Dream come true

2009-08-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

We're not parents yet. That's dream #1. But, dream #2 is about to come true. After well over a decade of trying every month, I finally succeeded. I won Oprah tickets. I'm going to see Oprah! I.am.going.to.see.Oprah. Me! I will be there, in the same room, as Oprah! Excited is an understatement. It's truly a dream come true.

September 25th, it's a Friday, so I'm assuming it's a Friday's live show but I don't have any confirmation of that yet. I so badly wanted M to come with me, but her new job requires her to work weekends and she just started so it was too complicated for her to get the time off. I will totally be thinking of her the whole time I'm there! I've already devised a plan to ask the only person who knows M & our surrogacy plans, who will also be seeing Oprah with me, to buy an "O" baby item while we're there for my future baby. I'll be with friends who won't understand the insanity of purchasing baby items for a baby that is so far from being conceived, so I need Christy to purchase the gift under cover. I'm counting down the days. Hours. Minutes. I'm going to see Oprah!

The bookshelf

2009-08-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

We're contemplating remodeling our very old-style basement. Currently we have wooden paneling from the 1970's (or so it looks), cheap green carpet, and an annoying wall of closets and drawers that is inconveniently placed directly in the middle of the basement, cutting its functionality in half. We have always wanted to remodel our basement but we never thought we would live in this home long enough to truly enjoy it. Due to the value of our home in the economy, it's obvious we'll probably be stuck here for quite a while. I never had envisioned raising my child in such a small house with such a tiny room to utilize as a nursery. I had wanted the largest room in the house to be dedicated as the nursery, similar to the one in Father of the Bride II. I love that nursery!

Once I get something on my mind it's very difficult for me to just let it go. Once I want it, I want it now. So before we have a budget, a design, or even the first 2X4 purchased, I've started getting the basement ready for renovation. Yesterday I cleared the junk off of an old bookshelf that my husband made when he was younger. This was a primary piece of furniture in his home before we were married and once we got hitched the bookshelf went in the basement, along with most of his other bachelor furniture. It's actually a very nice bookshelf and special to both of us since he actually built it. We never had a designated space available upstairs for it but I recently sold a piece of furniture on Craigslist which opened up room in the office for his bookshelf. We moved it into the office yesterday, which was a bittersweet moment for me. I had always envisioned that bookshelf staying put until we moved into a much larger home, at which point the bookshelf would go directly into the nursery and we'd fill it with books for our child. I imagined sitting in the rocking chair, holding our baby, and telling him how daddy built that bookshelf and when he is old enough, he can help daddy build things too. I imagined a few years later, our toddler climbing off my lap as I sat in that same rocking chair, and him selecting his favorite book from that shelf daddy built. I didn't imagine the bookshelf to be in our office without a nursery to even consider moving it to.

So I improvised. The bookshelf that has always been in our office is 6 ft by 6ft and packed full of books. I love to read. Our entire journey to become parents is chronicled in the books scattered throughout. I have a section of books larger than Barnes & Noble in some categories; adoption, surrogacy, menopause, hysterectomy, infertility, surrogacy in India. I also have dozens and dozens of children's books from when I was a child. My mom read to us constantly and we had hundreds of books everywhere in our home. I went through my bookshelf and removed every single children's book and placed it on the bookshelf. The bookshelf is shorter, probably only 4 feet or so, and lends itself to the reduced reach of little arms. It probably looks ridiculous to anyone who could see it right now, a bookshelf dedicated to children's books in a home without a child. For me though, it is a step. A step toward preparedness for the moment I've been craving. A step into the world of nesting, a tiny step into imagining what it might be like one day when our toddler walks to that bookshelf to select his favorite book to read.

I'm afraid to say it

2009-08-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Life is good. I could list dozens of reasons why it shouldn't be; chronic medical conditions, dozens of doctor's appointments each month, unable to make my own baby, needing way too much money to become a mom, unemployed. I could believe those reasons are enough to make life less than stellar at this moment. But I don't. I believe that right now, in this moment, life is good. Dh & I are getting along amazingly well. We haven't had a true argument in well over a month, which is unheard of in our infertility-tainted marriage. I am crying less and less over my baby induced desperation. We have so much to look forward to. In a few weeks we're going to my mom's cottage up north for a quick & cheap weekend getaway. In October we'll be heading to the most magical place on earth, for an extended vacation of dining, fun, and pixie dust. We are happy together. I never knew that marriage, sans baby, could be so fulfilling and rewarding. We have a date of July 2010 for our first (and hopefully only) IUI with our beautiful surrogate. I find myself counting down that date less and less. I'm still incredibly excited and anticipating it with such fervor and desire but I'm able to get through each day without knowing exactly how many days I must endure until our family building begins. I suppose it's because I truly feel that our family building has begun. We are the foundation for a solid and healthy family and as each day passes that we look at each other with love and not resentment, our foundation gains depth and stretches further.

It's occasionally difficult to recognize that the first 2 years of our marriage were hell. We didn't like each other very much, although I believe we both loved each other. I wish it was different but I know not to fall into the arms of regret. It makes me want more of this time, more of the love and happiness that we're sharing now. I'm trying very carefully to live in the moment. To enjoy this moment with my husband and this experience, as we'll never have another just like it. I realize though, that my happiness is still standing on an edge, not sure whether it will take the plunge. So easily I could fall back into despair and it takes immense strength to resist that gravitational pull. For now, I am able to resist it and I pray I can continue to. For now, life is good.

2 years

2009-08-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, J and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Everything is a matter of perspective, as I reflected on the reality that it was *almost* our 1 year anniversary. Dh & I were engaged in February 2007 and had an entire wedding planned, from the string quartet to the Cinderella pink linens, for July 12, 2008. We wanted a long engagement as I finished my master's degree and we spent more time together, as we had only dated for 9 months prior to becoming engaged. In May 2007, just 3 months after our engagement, I started to have severe ovarian pain (which was the only reproductive organ I had left since my hysterectomy a year prior) and after several doctor's appointments and finally our first RE appointment we learned the endometriosis and PCOS were becoming too much for my ovaries and they would soon need to be removed. We were encouraged to proceed with IVF immediately if we ever wanted to have a biological child. The very next day we cancelled our wedding. I called every vendor and explained to them the situation and most gladly refunded our deposits. Simultaneously, we began planning a wedding for just 12 weeks away while also making arrangements to begin a gestational surrogacy journey with an agency in Illinois. For so many reasons, including my ever-failing reproductive system, the journey had to end and our hopes of creating a biological child between us were forever shattered.

I was certain that we would immediately adopt, I was often awake in the middle of the night putting away the wedding planning material and looking up adoption agencies. For the first time, I needed to be a mother more than I needed my next breath. We returned from our honeymoon and as the Fall approached I finished my last semester of my master's degree along with PhD courses I was taking. We decided I wouldn't continue with my PhD, as I didn't want to leave my baby during the time I needed to be in class. A day after the end of the semester, they removed my ovaries. I felt even more empty than before, I was reproductively non-existent. There was nothing that proved I ever held the potential to become a mother but yet somewhere I was convinced that longing would show if they ever cut open my heart. I would have never admitted to being depressed during that time, but looking back now I realize how serious it was. I tried to cope with my infertility but the severe symptoms of surgical menopause kept me from focusing on anything at all. I was incredibly thankful that I had decided not to return to school, as I know I wouldn't have been able to manage. The next year was a blur of hormone starvation, true insomnia, and dark depression. There were 2 adoption situations that were right on our fingertips and then stolen away from me. I wanted a divorce, I wanted a baby, I wanted my uterus. I wanted everything I couldn't have.

This winter my life began to turn around as I learned to live with the existence of my marriage and the absence of my hormones. I began to feel hopeful that after a year and a half of marriage, we had agreed to start the adoption process in January 2011, just 2 years away. It seemed like an impossibly long time but I knew that I couldn't rush him, he wanted time to enjoy our marriage and despite my confusion (as I wasn't finding much to "enjoy" in the midst of my baby hunger), I knew that he had only known our marriage to be filled with sadness, rage, and obsession. I owed it to him to give him the most normal marriage I could. I knew it wouldn't be perfect and the obsession wouldn't erase itself but hopefully would slowly fade with him. I had hoped the dark depression would become a muted sadness and the fueling rage could simmer to a mild anger. I began to hope; hope that the rest of a journey to parenthood wouldn't be as difficult, hope that the next year and a half of marriage could be filled with more love, and hope that my life could become more clear and less clouded with all that has been wrong. It was at the moment that I allowed myself to have the slightest bit of hope that our world forever changed.

A bit of adoption research sparked the interest in embryo adoption which peaked my curiosity about surrogacy which made me realize that traditional surrogacy is what my heart needed. I didn't need to have a genetic child but I did need to watch my baby grow, to hear its first heartbeat, to welcome its entry into the world, to hold it first, and spend 9 amazing months thanking God that there is someone willing to risk everything to share with me the miracle of life. I met M in February, we decided we were meant to be together just a month or two after that, and now we have the relationship I've always dreamed of. We're forming the basis of a solid, healthy, committed friendship and next year at this time, we hope to be pregnant. We hope. We believe in hope. I believe in hope for my marriage, my life, and my path to becoming a mommy.

Today, my note from the Universe read the following:

One of the trickiest things about life, Sara, is that, at times, it happens so slowly.

Yet... if... it... happened... any... faster... you'd... already... have... everything... you... ever... wanted... without... learning... to... enjoy... the... ride.

Beep, beep...

The Universe

How true. Happy Anniversary J.

Random Happenings

2009-08-06T15:24:00.001-07:00

It's been a while.

Met M & her family. Went wonderfully. Kids are adorable, love her. Extremely emotional but very wonderful visit.

2 weeks later, travel to M's college graduation party. Dh & I stay in a hotel. Go to the party and the plan is to spend the night & go to M's house the next morning for breakfast with her dh & kids. 5 a.m. I wake up to unbelievable pain and lots of bleeding from places you shouldn't be bleeding. I have no idea what is going on, I just know I cannot be late for breakfast! My body has failed me plenty of times, hence the reason I'm 5 hours from home in another state meeting our surrogate and her family! I pass out, hit my head in the tiny hotel bathroom, crying through the pain I ask dh to go get me as much Imodium as he can find. Whatever is going on must find a way to wait until after breakfast. I take 1 pill every 15 minutes for 2 hours. Dh helps me to shower and get dressed and we head to M's house. I was in so much pain, so uncomfortable, but so incredibly happy to be having breakfast (even though I didn't really eat much) with the woman who is making all our dreams come true. We leave & head home with many urgent bathroom stops. The next day I call the doctor and they admit me to the hospital. Very long story but they've diagnosed me with a form of bowel disease that is extremely rare, I'm seeing doc's out of University of Michigan now so they can try to figure things out. I'm on some drugs that are making me miserable, I'm constantly feeling drugged, and my eyes will not stop twitching as a side-effect from this medicine. Such is life, right?

A few weeks after, M comes to Michigan for a "girl's night out"! We had lunch at Cafe Muse, voted by Oprah & Esquire magazine as the country's best grilled cheese sandwich. Went shopping, got pedicures, had dinner at yummy Italian restaurant, and saw a comedy show at Second City. She spent the night in the current-guest-bedroom-soon-to-be-nursery. Dh was home when we got home from the comedy club and we hung out and they had cocktails (I had to be sans cocktail because of all this health stuff) in the hot tub. Next morning we all went to breakfast together. It was a wonderful visit. Surrogacy rocks! My surrogate rocks! I simply cannot believe that I have this wonderful, beautiful relationship with the woman who is going to make me a mommy! She's so giving and generous and so fun to be around. We will be officially ttc next July! It's less than a year away and a wonderful time for us to continue to become such awesome friends. Thank you M, I love you.

Sperm donor, anyone?

2009-06-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

As if it's not enough that I cannot carry or create a biological child, my dh cannot either, unless we do IVF with ICSI. It's an option that we've seriously considered. It's so tempting to create a little baby with my husband's gorgeous red hair or attractive 6'7" frame. We want to create something together, not individually. We also are in love with M and cannot imagine doing a journey without her. I feel so confident that our journey will be filled with love, trust, and mutual compassion. I want her to create a baby for us, and no one else. So, we move forward. Dh doesn't want to have anything to do with the donor selection process. I hope that changes, but if not, we've agreed that are requirements include a solid educational background, tall (just for fun), and willing to be located by our child if our child chooses to one day.

This is tough. It's tough to absorb, I really can't believe we're both so broken.

We met

2009-06-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

Saturday we had our big get-together with M and her family. We met at her local zoo and spent most of the day and then headed to Red Robin afterwards. It was very emotional meeting her, although I tried my best not to show my emotions. I found myself constantly watching her children, wondering which characteristics were genetic and which were the creation of their upbringing and environment. Of the genetic ones, I wondered which came from M and which came from her dh, R. The children were understandably excited and full of energy and the visit during the zoo didn't give us a lot of time to just chat as the kids were always saying "look at that", "look here", "did you see that?". We were able to talk a bit at dinner, but again, a lot of kids demanding attention leaves little time for adult talk. I'm glad that M and I have had so much opportunity to talk one-on-one before our meeting. Her dh is truly awesome. I really couldn't have imagined a better support system for our TS. He is not afraid to talk about surrogacy and apparently very open about it as he mentioned he was discussing the topic with the guys at work. Although he acts like a kid himself at times, he doesn't hesitate to take care of the kids and certainly doesn't leave all the hard work to her. I'm refreshed in knowing that she'll have him around during our pregnancy. Of course, I intend to be as involved as possible and I will be there to help during the final trimester when she's too exhausted and pregnant to handle the household responsibilities.

I truly anticipated that meeting her would make our 1 year wait until we start TTC so much easier. I had expected that I would feel a calm that everything was in place and now we just focus on spending the next year becoming closer friends until we are ready to TTC. Instead, I feel like everything is aligned exactly where it's supposed to be (except for the number of 0's in our bank account that are needed to fund this journey) and now that I know her, I want to start now.

This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster. I've had many moments of breaking down in tears at the reality of everything. I seriously can't believe that we just drove 4 hours to meet someone who is going to make us a baby. I'm torn between the stark reality that we can't make our own baby and the fairytale that someone on earth is so loving and kind that she is willing to give all of her love to us so that we can experience parenthood. They are both equally emotional, equally humbling, and they challenge my mind to think far outside of its already liberal frame of reference.

I wonder how much of my intense emotions this weekend is that I am living a secret life. No one, except for 1 friend, knows about our plans for surrogacy. At this point we are far beyond just having a general plan to become parents through surrogacy, we have a real person with a real family who will become a part of our family in the near future. I can't believe I'm planning all of this without anyone in our family knowing. I'm so glad for the secret though, because on weekends like this when I'm full of emotion, I just can't imagine having to talk about our visit until I'm ready. I'm thankful I have this private knowledge that I don't have to justify to anyone. I also dream a lot about the moment that I get to introduce my mom to M, tell her that she is going to be a grandma, and explain to her that I've known M for well over a year and I trust her, adore her, and she's now a part of our family. I'm very blessed that our journey to parenthood will be bringing not only a baby into our lives but also another family that otherwise I would have never known. God is good.

The cold tub

2009-06-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

My little brother moved out of my mom's house and purchased his first home last month. She hardly ever uses her hot tub and she asked dh & I if we wanted it. We had the electrical installed today and the hot tub is currently "heating up", the problem is that it can't really become a hot tub until we know if we're using dh's sperm or not. If our appointment in July is a success and dh's sperm has improved on the clomid, it will be another year of clomid treatment and life sans hot tub, which puts us in the interesting predicament to explain to everyone why our hot tub is actually a cold tub. For now, I've told my mom that due to my hot flashes we just want to keep the tub cooler during the summer months. This is very true, I cannot go in a hot tub during the hot months. I suppose we'll have to formulate another response when snow starts to fall, but we'll approach that when we can. It's amazing the little things in life that infertility screws up. We can't use our damn hot tub, what the hell?

In the meantime, I've fallen in love with a crib that we must have if we have a baby girl. It's $3,849.00. Yes, the decimals and commas are in the right place. It's gorgeous though. I have to find a way to have this crib, or something very similar. I'm actually wondering if I could have my guys at work make it for me. Here's the pic to drool over.

Special Delivery

2009-06-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

M got the package I shipped to her and her kids. She said we won the kids over without even meeting them. And she followed that up with "You won me over a long time ago". I'm so glad we're so in love! She let each kid look at their travel bags but then everything was put away until their "mystery trip" next weekend. She has told them they are going somewhere but they don't know where yet. After the zoo we're going to Red Robin and the kid's have never been there before! I can't wait to take them, it's one of my favorite kid-friendly places to go! One week and 1 day!

Laid off

2009-06-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

I work for a small business that is owned by my mom and her business partner. Business is slow, which is no surprise, and after several attempts to cut wages and reduce benefits it is still not enough. Myself, my mom, and her partner have all laid ourselves off. We will be able to collect unemployment and the company will save the cost of our salaries. We can pay our bills without my salary but we certainly cannot afford to save for our surrogacy journey which officially begins in 423 days, give or take a day or two.

The solution seems to be to begin looking for a job that I actually will get paid to go to work for. The problem is I can't seem to get myself to do so. I'm sick about the thought of leaving here. It was the plan (which was the first mistake) that I would work here and once the baby arrived I could work from home. I cannot contemplate the thought of leaving my child everyday. The job offers me the most amazing flexibility. Generally, I don't like my job and I'm overqualified for it, but I love what it offers to my future family which is the only reason I'm here. There is a great possibility that the salary reduction will not be enough and we will not have enough business to keep our doors open. That frightens me. This business has been going strong since 1925, we are well established and well known but so is Chrysler, and GM, and thousands of other businesses in the metro Detroit area that have closed their doors. For now, we're trying to adjust our budget to accommodate our new salaries and remain as optimistic as possible. I need this job, my sanity and future needs this job. So much of my ability to drag myself up from the floor of depression has been knowing what a wonderful lifestyle we have established for a baby. The salary loss came on the same day that we turned in our lease and purchased a brand new "family" car. My dh is 6'7" so any vehicle we buy has to be "big", but our new Ford Expedition is exceptionally big, it's the kind of big you only buy if you are pregnant, are planning to be soon, or have already been a dozen times before. We're planning a pregnancy soon and we bought the car to show it. I will pray for strength, peace, and understanding as I do believe that every roadblock is God's way to direct us to follow the path He intends for us. I believe that today, I hope I can continue that tomorrow.

Hope

2009-05-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -Dale Carnegie

Are we brilliantly resilient women, who fight the battles of infertility, and still have hope? Or are we ignorant, immature girls who consistently set ourselves up for failure and settle for whatever means will turn us into mothers?

I've always considered Hope such a fragile emotion, one that hides under the table when its enemy Doubt walks into the room. I thought Hope literally ran away from home and was never coming back. I thought Hope died and didn't go to heaven because Hope didn't believe in such fantasies. I thought I was glad to see her leave, for a while I thought I missed her in the way I imagine women miss their spouses once they've been arrested for domestic violence. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the abuse that Hope inflicted upon me and I was glad Hope was finally dead.

It's not until recently, that M has given me a reason to breathe again, that I realize that Hope really never left. If there wasn't Hope, I wouldn't have kept trying to find a better way, a more fulfilling way, a more intimate way, to become a mom. It was Hope that allowed me to not settle for adoption when my heart needed something more. It was Hope that convinced me to reach out to surrogacy forums and reply back to M's original email. It is Hope that sustains me through this moment, as I take this breath, and I'm still childless and full of the pain, envy, and evil of infertility.

I know she's still there but I'm so afraid to welcome her back into my life with open arms. I want to co-habitate with her again but I feel like such a fool to even consider it. How dare I allow her back in when she's let me down so many times? I've told her hundreds of times before that this was "the last chance" and if she screwed it up there were no chances left. Hope has built a lifetime on second chances and I wasn't going to allow that to continue any longer. I'm not sure how I just allow her to walk back into my life? Do we need to set ground rules like you would if a boyfriend was standing at your doorstep begging for a second chance? What if she breaks the rules? Does she have a probationary period in which she must prove to me that she's worthy of access into my heart? I have such valid reasons to never speak to her again, to never allow her near my family, to banish her from every part of our surrogacy journey with M. Perhaps its M that is requiring me to consider allowing Hope into our journey. This isn't just my journey, it's M's journey too. She seems to have an oddly close relationship with Hope, particularly in the reproduction department. She & Hope are like best friends and they seem to go everywhere together and when M is having a bad day, it's Hope that tells her tomorrow will be better. Why doesn't my Hope act like that? My Hope doesn't reassure me that tomorrow will be better...just as she's about to speak up, Doubt starts talking and Hope never insists that he hears her out.

I want my Hope to be like Obama's Hope, I would even settle for the kind of Hope that inmates have that convinces them tomorrow is worth living for (when we all know a simple bed sheet tied as a noose could be all that is needed if Hope called in sick one day).

Emotional ADD

2009-05-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing? I'm certain I must have it. I cannot be at peace with a single emotion for longer than just a few minutes. I was going to post yesterday morning that I was feeling renewed from dh's & my conversation the prior night. There is a reason for all these sick infertility jokes that God keeps playing and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, yesterday I had an encounter with an old acquaintance, Shannon, who used to be very close to me and discovered that she is pregnant. She went through 7 IUI's and 4 IVF's before she was able to conceive. I was genuinely happy for her, but so sad for myself. Her journey has come to an end and she finally achieved the goal that she set out for. I tried to trick myself into thinking that I will also achieve the goal that I set out for: becoming a mommy. But then I wonder if I'm just twisting my thoughts to convince myself that motherhood was my primary goal. I just don't think it was, I think pregnancy was my primary goal. Do any of us really start off on our journey to parenthood and say that all we're searching for is a baby? If so, why do we continue with the medical interventions that could fail and the surrogacy journeys that pose risks? Why don't we all just jump to the most sure path to motherhood, through either adoption or foster care? That would make us mothers...guaranteed! (I'm not trying to diminish the feelings of anyone who has had a failed adoption, but the reality is that if you stick with adoption long enough, you're bound to have a baby). We don't all jump on the adoption bandwagon because our end goal involves so much more than just parenthood. I've known since I was 22 that I would never carry my own baby but yet there was still something more that I sought out than just motherhood. I needed a bond with the woman who would carry my baby in the way one needs oxygen. That was possible with adoption, but never a guarantee, and it was less possible that I would have that bond from the beginning. I can know thank God, and my husband, for not allowing me to rush into the adoption process as I wanted to for the past few years. I feel that it would have given me the more important part: a baby. It also would have denied me the parts that I needed most, not as a mother, but as a woman.

I was distraught last night after finding out about Shannon's pregnancy. I felt so guilty that I wasn't happy for her. I have the most incredible woman willing to make my parenting dreams come true and I still can't be happy for someone else's pregnancy? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to fully feel joy for someone else when they announce their news? I have the best situation that could possibly be available to any woman without a uterus, why shouldn't I be happy for Shannon that she now has the best situation available for anyone with a uterus?

After a few dozen crying sprees while J was cutting the grass, and a few more when he came back inside, I was ready for an emotional intermission. I simply needed a rest from any thoughts, good or bad. That's when I received an email from M. We are in the beginning stages of working on our contract and I had emailed her a document with all the possible fees and compensation topics and she was replying to my email. I had simply stated the topics and she would fill in the fees. In the beginning of our relationship I had asked her about her base comp because I needed to be sure we could at least afford that before I allowed myself to become too invested in the relationship. We hadn't had any further discussion about fees since that time. Her reply was heartwarming, humbling, and so gracious. I know, as does she, that she could charge anyone else a lot more than than she's asking us for her compensation. She truly is what every intended parent wants in a surrogate, she understands the emotional and financial heartache of infertility. This path to parenthood will still be expensive and we're still challenged everyday on how to afford it but she is easing the burden on us tremendously. I don't know how I ever will repay her for her kindness.

I went to Target today to scrounge the dollar bins for some kid related toys and games. I'm going to FedEx M and the kids a package next week. I'm making each of the kids a small "travel bag", with a tote filled with activities and snacks to keep them occupied on the drive to the zoo. She has 3 girls and 1 boy and I tried my best to make the boy's bag different and unique. Each bag has animal crackers, a water bottle with a straw (color coordinated to match the color of their bags, it's so cute!), coloring book and crayons, candy, window stickers (to stick on their car windows). The girls each have lip gloss and the boy bag has a magic game and some type of puzzle. I'm including a card to M and her dh along with a gas gift card so the cost of their trip can be totally taken care of. I also ordered M's graduation gift today. She recently graduated from nursing school and her party is the end of June. Thanks to some help from some former nurses I found a stethoscope that I had personalized with her name on it. I can't wait to give it to her. 2 weeks can't come soon enough to meet her!

We're meeting!

2009-05-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

M recently graduated from nursing school and is planning a graduation party sometime in June. We knew we wanted to meet sometime before her graduation party because we thought it would be awkward to meet in such a public setting with so many of her own friends and family that she'll need to attend to. So, it looks like the graduation party will be June 27th and we're meeting at the zoo near her house on June 13th. To say I can't wait is an understatement. I'm thrilled! I can't remember the last time I've been so worried about someone liking me, I usually don't care if people like me, but I definitely care about this person!

J & I will drive about 4.5 hours and M will be there along with her husband and four kids, we'll spend the afternoon at the zoo and then we're going to Red Robin (yum!) for dinner. I can't wait to meet her!

Two weeks after, we'll be traveling back to her state to attend her graduation party. None of her friends or family know that she is pursuing another TS journey at this time. She was a TS once before, for a couple that lives in Germany. She gets pictures of her TS babe all the time (she's adorable!) but the communication is difficult with her FIP's because of the language barrier. Her family was supportive of her journey last time but they apparently had a difficult time when the TS baby had to go back to Germany, knowing they would never see her again. M wants to wait to tell everyone about her journey until after they know me as her friend. She will be able to announce that she is doing this for her friend Sara as opposed to just some random nameless person. I think that is a fabulous idea. I will be able to meet her friends and family as a neutral person, not as "that one".

A good friend from the online surrogacy was generous enough to send me a copy of her surro contract today. Since the contracts are legally not enforceable in my state or M's state, I refuse to pay an attorney to draw up a contract that isn't useful anyway. But, all the good surro rules say that you should have a contract, so we will create our own contract. My dear friend is an attorney in our state so I'm sure she'll review it and answer any questions we have. I will pay for M's legal counsel if she would like but we've already communicated with the top adoption/surrogacy attorney in her state and the contracts are not enforceable.

I emailed M and told her that I'd really like to start talking about contract details. I know our TTC plans are over a year away but I really need to prepare financially for what this will cost us. Obviously, there are countless issues that need to be discussed aside from finances and I want to be sure that both our voices are heard and we agree on something that we are both pleased with. Since we have so much time to talk about the contract hopefully there won't be any pressure to hurry up and make a decision that one of us isn't comfortable with.

There is progress! Real measurable progress. It's been a long time since I felt progression in my life.

The little blessings

2009-05-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday we flew home from Disney World and we weren't home long until I was abruptly reminded that we're definitely not in Fantasyland anymore. Two days prior to our departure, my evil SIL contacted me to inform me that my second evil SIL was in labor. Fuck you. I knew my MIL was picking us up from the airport and surely we'd have to hear about it. Through 2 years of therapy, dh & I have worked on how to respond to people when they say things that are knowingly hurtful. He's had a conversation with his mom before that we really prefer not to hear about people's babies, even if they are our siblings, and although we understand her excitement it's just simply not possible for us to be excited and it's painful to hear so we politely request that she not mention it. Of course, that is just too difficult for her to comprehend and my dh avoids conflict the way I would avoid another term of George W as President, so he of course hasn't offered any further polite reminders to his mom that we simply don't give a fuck about anyone else's baby right now.

As predicted, we pull into into the garage and she reaches for her cell phone while saying "Do you want to see a picture of your new niece?". I remained silent, in fact, I think it was one of the short moments in my life that my brain actually rested. We had rehearsed similar scenarios in therapy and at home before and dh & I had agreed upon a certain response. Not necessarily a specific set of words, but generally the rules were that he would respond (not because I'm too shy to respond but he knows I won't play very nice) and he would be firm in saying "no" and exert some type of "what the hell are you thinking" comment and remind her that we've already talked about this and we are never interested in hearing about anyone's pregnancy or baby until we are standing in front of her with serious bags under our eyes from dozens of delightfully sleepless nights from staying up with our own baby. He didn't respond. He was silent. She showed us the picture. I was livid.

Today, after a few month hiatus from joint therapy sessions, we rejoined with Susan the therapist to discuss this incident. I am convinced that if he chose not to respond at such a critical opportunity that he must not understand the depth of my grief and the intensity of the pain his mom inflicted. The therapy appointment was relatively uneventful until I said I wanted to see him angry with his mother. If we were in a bar and someone had punched me, he wouldn't just stand by and allow it, he would be pissed! This is far worse than being punched so why the hell wasn't he mad. Susan started to ask him questions about anger and at one point he said that no one has ever made him as angry in his life as I have.

After we returned home, I was in the bathroom doing my usual crying-before-I-wash-my-face-for-the-night routine and it hit me. I always try to find the reasons behind all this bullshit that God puts me through. I'm convinced I'll have a stronger marriage, that I'll treasure my baby more, I'll be a more attentive parent, I'll have a shared empathy with millions of people, I'll gain an overwhelming sense of compassion toward other woman. I never realized what the benefit was for my dh. Why was he picked to go through all this hell with me? I realized it there, in the bathroom, mid-cry. Yes, I make him more angry than anyone ever has, but it's because I force him to deal with this. He can't avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist like he has with any other difficult time in his life. He has to acknowledge it, understand it, accept it, and learn to live it. I came running out of the bathroom with tears running down my face to explain to him my newly understood rationale for his misery. He smiled and he knew it was true. He told me that although his anger for me is more intense than anger he's ever felt before, so is his love.

I wouldn't infertility as a method to teach anyone a lesson, but, I am infertile and while I'm here I am definitely learning quite a few lessons. I'll take it. I'll take a tearful embrace with my soul mate as we both realize that there is a reason for this misery beyond our understanding, and today, God has given us enough of a taste of understanding to satisfy our appetite for now. Thank you.

Amani....I miss your blog!

2009-05-16T17:41:00.001-07:00

Amani,

If you read this, I'd love access to your blog now that you've made it private (if you are giving access to anyone, that is). I've followed your journey for so long....not having updates is killing me! I do understand and respect your privacy though, so no problem if you are keeping it totally private. You're in my thoughts.

A sigh of relief

2009-05-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

I emailed M, I couldn't take it any more, it had been 5 days since we emailed last which may not seem like a long time but it was unusually long for us not to email. I told her that I'm sorry to sound paranoid, but it's tough to be so dependent on another woman to make me a mom...and go through an unusually long period of time without speaking with that person. So, she emailed me back and everything is fine. Her MIL was moving to their state from New Jersey this weekend, so they were busy with that, and the later part of last week was swamped with kid related activities. She said she is anxiously awaiting next year, and although she'll wait for us as long as we need her to, she's ready to start now! We're not, of course, but it's so wonderful that we have her in our life. We leave for Disney World on Wednesday and I'm so glad I've had to chance to talk with M before we left. This is just a small reminder of how difficult it will be to relinquish control to another woman, in another state, for 9 months while she carries and nurtures our baby. I imagine this is only the tip of the iceberg in understanding how impossibly difficult this will be.

Why I'm thankful it's mother's day

2009-05-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

...because once it's over; all the tv commercials will stop, I'll no longer hear the radio advertisements, no one will ask me what we're doing for the big day, I can drive down the road without seeing a billboard reminding me to buy flowers or chocolate, and most of all because I will be able to reclaim the smallest morsel of my sanity back as I've clearly lost it during the most difficult time of year.

I hate mother's day. I speak to so many infertile women who say that they cannot wait until they become a mom so they can spend their first mother's day celebrating. Of course I don't know how I'll feel when that day finally arrives, but for now, I do not intend on celebrating mother's day. It is a day filled with immense pain for millions of people and I cannot ignore that and simply celebrate with breakfast in bed and a pot of flowers. Christmas is probably the second hardest holiday to celebrate when you are involuntarily childless, but it is no comparison to mother's day, because in the darkest moments of scraping together a reason to celebrate Christmas I can still celebrate the birth of Jesus. There is a reason for the holiday aside from Santa Clause and Christmas presents. There is no other reason for mother's day, there's no alternative celebratory reason I can conjure in my head, it is a day for mom's and if you're not a mom and you want to be, it is hell.

J set his alarm this morning to wake up early to head to his mom's. I had previously told my mom that I wasn't interested in doing anything, to which she replied, "It doesn't get any easier?". I'm not exactly sure why she thinks that extending the length of time that I remain childless will somehow make this day easier. I'm actually glad that he went to his mother's, it's a big step in our marriage. Last year mother's day was a big fight, he insisted we see his mom and even though he offered to go without me, I felt that would only make it worse. We took her out to breakfast together and the waitress asked me if I was celebrating the day. I don't look pregnant and there wasn't' a child seated next to me, but she still felt she needed to question my motherhood. I should have replied, "Oh, my! I totally forgot, I left my kid in the car, thanks for reminding me!". I think "sensitivity" training should be a requirement for every workplace. What if my baby had just died? What if I just had a miscarriage? What if I was...gasp!!!....never going to be pregnant for the rest of my life because my uterus and ovaries were stolen from me? Perhaps not the best question for the waitress to ask. So, J is at his mom's. The only condition I had, that he completely understood, is that he go to see her at a time that the rest of the family isn't there. I would definitely feel like the one who had been left out and as any infertile woman knows, that's a terrible feeling when you're purposefully missing from an event because you're the crazy woman without a uterus. So he woke up early to bring flowers and bagels and spend an hour or two visiting. I haven't broken down crying yet, instead I'm rather numb to the pain. I'm exhausted that I have to endure yet another mother's day.

I'm the type of person who plans everything and I plan as far out as I possibly can. When we have an upcoming vacation, I get very excited to bust out the luggage and start packing things slowly so that I can be sure I've packed every item I may anticipate needing. It's not unusual for me to begin packing two weeks in advance of our departure. We leave on Wednesday for Disney World and I haven't even dug out the luggage from the basement. I've been waiting patiently to pack everything today. I love Disney and it is the only constant in all my years of infertility that can make me smile no matter what. It's rather bizarre because the place is constantly filled with millions of adorable children but it is a childhood memory that I relive every time I visit. My parents took us to Disney every year of our life and I've sense gotten my dh hooked and we go as often as possible. Last year we bought annual passes for the first time! So, today I will spend my day childless and packing for Disney World. It will be a mix of depression, euphoria, and anxiety.

I'm afraid to put my thoughts into writing...but I'm nervous about M. Maybe it's been the impending holiday that is making me more sensitive that usual and I know she's been extremely busy with school and then one of her kid's birthdays this week, but we haven't emailed much at all. I just know that so much is riding on this relationship that I'm going to over analyze everything. She's busy and I know that. We're not planning to TTC until mid to late next year, so I'm sure she doesn't feel like it's critical that she emails me everyday. Of course, I would love to get an email from her once a day, but she has a life to live and 4 kids to raise. I need to relax. It's like the beginning stage of a relationship where you've already fallen too far into love but yet the relationship is still too new for any type of "where do we stand?" type of talk. I will text her and wish her a happy mother's day, she will be the only person receiving that wish from me.

Home improvements

2009-05-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

We've been swamped with home improvements the past few weeks. We live in a wonderful city that is right on the water. Although our house isn't directly on the water, it was built with clay sewers so the water can flow through. Unfortunately, tree roots flow through also. Our big beautiful tree and it's monstrous roots caused our sewer to collapse in January, amidst the feet of snow and ice hard soil. Several thousand dollars later, we had a new sewer, custom built with gorgeous white PVC piping. As Spring arrived our yard was in need of much attention; our landscaping had been destroyed and we had a mound of unsettled dirt that evidenced we buried Big Foot in our front lawn.

After months of planning, we ventured into some pretty large projects. We built a new walkway with brick pavers and lined our much too narrow driveway with the same. My husband thought the pavers were so beautiful, that we should rip up our old brick paver patio in the backyard and install a new one. At the same time, my mom offered to give us her hot tub because she doesn't use it anymore, which meant the backyard patio had to be dug extra deep to sustain the weight of the hot tub. Weeks of rain, the bobcat getting stuck, thousands of dollars later, and endless back-breaking hours of labor, it was all complete. The only remaining work to be done was landscaping. Yesterday & today the landscapers came and created a beautiful design on our front lawn. They are cleaning up their mess now, but essentially it's complete. It's gorgeous. I can't wait to play with our children on our new lawn or set up a tiny plastic princess castle on our new patio. It's difficult to part with the money that I feel should be saved toward our surrogacy journey, but it's also liberating to know that each improvement we make is a step closer to making our house a home not for a couple but for a family.

I'll cry if I want to

2009-05-07T08:45:00.001-07:00

My birthday was this week and I couldn't help but remember the song "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to." It was my birthday and I didn't want to celebrate, I wanted to be miserable because I don't have what I want most on my birthday. I didn't want anyone to sing to me, I didn't want another day of artificial happiness induced by others needs and not my own. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw my gifts back and tell everyone that I'm only pretending to be happy because the gift I want most isn't anything anyone can buy me. I didn't. I was polite, I offered thanks each time someone wished me a happy birthday, and I told my husband that the hot stone massage he booked me during our vacation next week was the perfect gift. I lied.

To add to my birthday excitement, I had to take a significant pay cut at work. Of course, all I could think about is how this would effect our plan to save enough money in time for surrogacy next year. I know that we're blessed that we both have jobs still, but I could help but feel a little pissed off that yet again forces beyond my control are managing the conditions surrounding becoming a mommy. I get so mad at myself that this is all about money, but then I realize, it is all about money! It takes a lot of money to be a mom when you don't have a uterus or ovaries! I need that extra money to save for our surrogacy journey. I don't really have a Plan B, but I suppose I should begin to consider other ways to manage our budget so we can still reach our savings goals.

I'm so proud of M, she graduated from college this week! She'll be taking her boards within a month or so and she'll officially be a registered nurse! She had a 3.57 GPA! We haven't spoken as often as I would like because she's been so busy with finishing school. I hope we can talk more often now that she won't be in school and doing clinicals. She's looking for a job, hopefully on the L&D floor, which I happen to think is really cool to have a TS that is an RN on the L&D floor. I will be going to her graduation party, date still TBD. I need to find a gift that is personal, but not too personal, and somewhat 'nurse' appropriate.

I love a good doctor

2009-04-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

We had our appointment with Dr. O through U of M hospital today. He's brilliant, realistic, informative and patient. I was so pleased with our appointment. Dh's testicular ultrasound came back showing minor varicoceles, absolutely nothing they would operate on and defiantly not the cause of our poor sperm. His testosterone is low (218 total), which we knew and Dr. O feels the low testosterone combined with some excess weight are two problems we can tackle right away. The excess weight contributes to additional fat in the legs and stomach areas, which increase the heat of the testicles. Excess fat also screws with your hormones and can alter testosterone and estrodial production. Dh has said he's committed to losing a few pounds to see if it helps. I could definitely shed a few pounds also, so we're both excited to be in this together.

Dh has been prescribed 25 mg of clomid and he will start that along with a very long list of supplements tomorrow a.m. Despite a frenzy after a long and intimate google affair this weekend, Dr. O said that none of the results indicate that there would be an increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. In fact, our numbers are not even low enough to warrant genetic testing. Cheers to that! He's hopeful that with weight loss and clomid we can increase our numbers, hopefully enough for IUI success. He would strongly prefer that we use fresh sperm, so we need to find a clinic that doesn't require a 6 month quarantine. M & I will be on a search for that as the time gets closer. Clomid takes 3-6 months to show improvement. We have an appointment July 20th and we'll have another SA done about a week prior. I'm trying to find the balance between staying positive and not setting myself up for heartbreaking disappointment. For now, all we can do is focus on a healthy lifestyle and lots of meds. Between my supplements for menopause and dh's new set of pills, we have a small pharmacy between us. This might be the first picture in our child's lifebook...this might just be the first step, the first pill, toward an amazing journey.

It would only happen to me

2009-04-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

...and anyone else out there in the infertility world that can understand how completely devestating this could be.

I went to the lab to pick up dh's final SA results. We have our appointment on Monday with the fancy urologist and we need these results for Monday. This SA we abstained for 4 days instead of 3, hoping that his numbers would increase because each SA has been getting progressively worse. I had called the lab prior to leaving my house to confirm the results were ready but when I arrived they said they were incomplete and it would take 7-10 days. It never takes 7-10 days, it takes exactly 2.5 at this lab. However, sometimes they simply haven't taken the time to input the numbers into the computer but the pathologist has the results already at 2.5 days. I requested a manager and she explained to me that all the results are in the computer except for the morphology, she would print me the results right now that would include everything except morphology & that report was being faxed as we speak from the Cytology department.

She returned in just a few minutes with the SA results, less the morphology, and as soon as I read them I wanted to cry. They were almost perfect. The joys of motherhood were consuming me, as I sat there, with nearly perfect SA results in my right hand and in my left arms laid my sleeping nephew that I was babysitting. I looked at him in that moment and understood that one day, I too would have a baby that might have his father's eyes. I sat in my joyful state for about another 15 minutes until she returned with the morphology report. She handed me a handwritten report, with the pathologists actual handwriting. I immediately looked under the morphology section and noticed that the "Percent Total Normal" was missing, which is what I needed. I asked her about it and she phoned the lab to inquire. While I was waiting I started to read the other notes on the pathology report and noticed that they greatly differed from the printed almost-perfect report that I had been given. Clearly, there was a mistake.

After an hour and a half of research, it was discovered that they have recently hired a new pathologist and after the tenured pathologist performed our SA, they kept the results from the new pathologist and challenged him to perform the SA to see what numbers he came up with. Apparently he's an eternal optimist because all his numbers were nearly perfect. Someone made a "data entry" error and entered in the incorrect numbers. Our nearly perfect SA was suddenly the worst SA we've ever had. Only 2 million sperm, 2% motile, and 25% normal. Devastation doesn't even begin to describe it.

I kept a copy of the handwritten report because under morphology there were several words written, none of which I've seen before in describing my dh's sperm: acrosomal deficiencies, amorphous, bent head. After a lot of google research and a call into our TS M, who is 3 weeks shy of being an RN, we discovered this and this and lastly, this. Devastation doesn't even begin to describe it.

Our happy pills

2009-04-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

I ordered all the supplements for dh today, all of which have some type of study that shows it helps to improve sperm count, motility, or morphology. He's got a long list of pills to take and they are:

1. Selenium 200 micrograms once a day
2. Vitamin C, 500-1000 mg, twice a day
3. Vitamin E 400 international units once a day
4. Zinc 50-100 mg once a day
5. Coenzyme Q10 30-50 mg once a day
6. Folic acid 400 micrograms a day
7. B complex once a day
8. Fish oil capsules 2-3 times a day
9. Multivitamin with trace minerals once a day
10. L-Carnitine - 500mg twice a day
11. L-Arginine - 2-4g per day
12. Acetyl L-Carnitine 500 mg
13. Pycnogenol 100 mg

Hopefully we will see some major improvements with these supplements. I can't wait to do another SA in 3-4 months and see our improvement! These will officially be my happy pills if they make our sperm better! There better be an improvement too because it costs a small fortune for all of these meds. We are doing our last SA before the supplements begin on Tuesday evening. That will be 4 full days from our last ejaculate, I'm hopeful that perhaps the increased length of time will give us more swimmers. There is a very interesting study that references some of the above mentioned drugs. I'll be taking that to our appointment with Dr. O on Monday to get his advice. I'm counting down the days until we see him, I can't wait to talk with him. He'll have a total of 4 SA's, a urinalysis, bloodwork, and testicular ultrasound to review so I hope he'll be able to tell us something.

M & I texted back and forth a few times today. My heart races when I receive a text from her, it's the greatest feeling. I hope this honeymoon stage never ends. I know we'll have disagreements and there will be an amazing amount of stress in our friendship when the TTC stage begins but I know that I will always hold a spot in my heart for her only. Even if we never conceived (which isn't going to happen), I feel that she's been so supportive and such a delight to be friends with, just knowing she has it in her heart to do this for someone leaves me speechless. I love her.

I heard her voice & SA #2 results

2009-04-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

For the first time, M & I spoke on the phone today! It was so exciting! I was driving somewhere for work and I can't think of anything better to do while driving than talk on the phone (I have a blue tooth so it's perfectly safe as far as I'm concerned), so I texted her (I did this before I started driving), to tell her I would be driving and maybe we could chat. She texted back and said she'd call in a minute. And....she did!

It was so wonderful to hear her voice. Now as we email & text each other I can visualize the sound of her voice, the inflections, and the way she articulates her words. She lives in a neighboring state but I really thought she had an accent. I asked her about it, and she thought I had an accent too. She thinks most people from Michigan have accents.

We chatted about random things such as in-laws, upcoming Easter plans, and of course surrogacy. Surrogacy did not dominate the conversation & I didn't ask any specific questions, I certainly wanted us both to feel like we were talking with friends and not partaking in an interview. I hope she felt that way because I certainly did. I was only a slightly nervous during the conversation, but now that it's over I'm asking the age old "did she like me?" question. I hope she did.

Speaking with her and hearing her kids in the background and being able to communicate so openly and honestly with her reassured me of our decision. I do not want to partake in a surrogacy journey that lacks honest & open communication. It's so nice to know I can just pick up the phone and call her when I want to hear her voice or check on the baby. This is the journey for us and she is the one to make it happen.we

Well, she's the one to make it happen assuming we can get our damn sperm to cooperate. I received the results back from our second semen analysis. I hate sperm. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand why it changes so drastically. This time we had:

6 million sperm (was 9 million 3 weeks ago)
8% normal morphology (was 40 something %)
4% rapidly motile (was 13%)

Why? I want answers. We have an appointment on April 20th with the best urologist in the state. I'm hopeful he can give us some answers.

Notes From the Universe

2009-04-08T11:49:00.001-07:00

I subscribe to daily "Notes From the Universe" that are delivered to my inbox every morning from this website. The notes are written by one of the contributors of The Secret and always inspire me to think differently about my circumstances. Today's note was exceptionally profound. It read:

A flower doesn't turn toward the sun because it needs to, but because it wants to, and so the process is effortless and joyful. All things considered, Sara, what do you WANT?

-The Universe

I began to tear up when I read this note. So many times, as not-so-proud members of the infertility community, we consider all of our options as sub-par simply because they are not the way we dreamed of conceiving our children. Those who are trying IUI for the first time wish they could just make love in private to create their baby. Once IUI fails, those who consider IVF have let go of the hope that pregnancy with come naturally and they are frustrated with the tens of thousands of dollars that it costs to make a baby. For those of us who result to using an egg donor, surrogate, or both feel that we would give anything to carry our own baby and we long to feel the kicks inside our being that we know we'll never experience. We all spend too much time looking back while trying to move forward. There isn't any circumstance that allows for safe and successful travels when your eye is always looking the rear-view window as your vehicle plunges forward. Infertility is no different.

When dh & I attempted a GS journey almost 2 years ago, using my own eggs, I'm not sure I could ever get over the fact that another woman would carry my baby. No doubt, I had immediate love and gratification for her but I still couldn't help but be overcome by my own grief. Today is a different day. This journey with M is different, I feel overwhelmed with her generosity and I wonder every day how I will ever be able to express my thanks to her but my grief interferes less frequently. I realize I'm infertile and I don't have a uterus to carry a baby or an egg to make one, which leaves me with choices. I used to think those choices were all terrible options because none of them allowed me to carry my own baby. Today, however, I realize the choice I want is to make a baby with my husband's sperm and another woman's egg. I want her to carry our baby, nurture it, allow me to sing to it and anticipate its arrival. I want this. It's not a default decision when all others have been eliminated. It is my choice and that gives me hope, power, and satisfaction beyond what I ever dreamed possible. I choose surrogacy, it didn't choose me.

Shut up, Oprah!

2009-04-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

I adore Oprah, she truly is one of the most remarkable people alive. She is generous and pure in ways that I believe we all should be. Everyday I DVR her and truly enjoy my time to watch her show. She makes me cry, laugh, and challenges me to be a better person. Today, however, she pissed me off.

Her show today is basically about the "realities" of motherhood. Moms are confessing some of their deep confessions about how overwhelmed they are as mothers. One mom admitted that she actually forgot to feed her child dinner, another admitted that instead of bathing her children she'll have them go in the hot tub instead hoping the bubbles were enough to make them clean. One woman actually admitted to having a favorite child, someone lets her kids eat pizza for breakfast at least twice a week. The most difficult confession to hear was the woman who said the day she had to go shopping for a mini-van was the worst day of her life. I would give anything to be shopping for a min-van right now! I can't wait to get behind the wheel of a van, complete with the "Baby on Board" sign and packed full with baby paraphernalia and a screaming baby in the back. I can't wait!

A guest on the show said that after she gave birth she had to mourn the loss of her old self. Mourn. The. Loss. of. your. old. self.? I would love to get a chance to speak to that woman & tell her a little bit about what its like to lose yourself and then mourn that loss.

They had a mini-clip after commercials about "What no one ever tells you about motherhood" here are the some of the answers...it's comfortable to feel the underside of your boob on your belly, baby boys wake up with woodys, it's so difficult it is to be a mom but no one will tell you because if you knew you'd never do it, you might not love your baby right away, you will hate your husband...

I'm so angry I don't even know where to begin. I think Oprah needs to do a show about "What No One Ever Tells You About Infertility."

A new day

2009-04-04T12:13:00.001-07:00

Actually making a baby related purchase yesterday temporarily paralyzed me with a strange feeling that I did not recognize myself. I have never been able to just 'let go' and be ridiculously optimistic that everything will work out the way it is supposed to and that is exactly what I am trying to do. However, I've also never experienced the deep depths of depression that a tragic circumstance such as infertility can bring. Perhaps it is because I've seen how twisted my life became in the midst of infertility that I can now force myself from entering that space again. I cannot give myself permission to emotionally follow the ups & downs of doctor's appointments and new bits of information as if each one is either life-ending or life-sustaining. I've done it before and I know the outcome is not good. While it's inevitable that I will be have emotions regarding whatever the latest doctor's appointment tells us, I cannot become those emotions. I can experience them, validate them, and then understand that they do not (and cannot) control me. I'm thrilled to be back into the world of surrogacy, a world that I thought was off limits once I had no genetic contribution to make, and I cannot let this journey tear me down like the last one did. I refuse to let it.

I confessed to dh today about the purchases I made last night. He thought it was 'nice'. He's such a laid back guy. Nice? He clearly didn't understand the volume of importance that making a baby purchase holds. I emailed M to tell her my confession also, her response was "I'm glad you are realizing that this is really going to happen-you ARE going to be a mommy." She left me speechless. I wonder if she knows how powerful those words are, particularly coming from the woman who holds the power to make me a mommy. We have became such great friends in the past few months. It's wonderful too because we're both able to be ourselves...we complain about our husbands, talk about work or her schooling, the extra-long winters were having. I feel like I know her far beyond the morsels of surrogacy that exist within her. That is just a part of her, of course, that is the part that brought us together and the part that connects us in ways that no one else could but I do not believe it is the part that sustains our relationship. She is someone I would be friends with even if she hadn't offered to carry our baby. I think that is the most important part of our relationship. It's amazing the change of perspective that I've had since finding a path to parenthood that I love as much as I love this opportunity.

What am I thinking?

2009-04-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I've been communicating with M, a fabulous woman who wants to be our TS. I've been scared to articulate these thoughts outloud, this all seems too good too be true. We've discussed all the major issues that can arise in TS and we're very much on the same page. So, we decided yesterday to officially announce our 'match' on a surrogacy forum that we both frequent. So, it's official. I'm thrilled, estatic, and trying to force myself not to be scared. She knows were not ready to start until next year, which gives us ample time to build a friendship & work on improving dh's sperm. We had another appointment at the urologist yesterday, we're doing a few tests to rule somethings out and then we'll be starting dh on clomid to try to improve his sperm counts. We have another SA next week too. The clomid takes about 6 months to see if its improving or not, so thankfully we have time.

The title of this post-what am I thinking-is because someone announced on another wesbite that Udder Covers was offering a promo for free udder covers (nursing blanket covers), all you have to do is pay shipping. The covers are normally $35 & I just got them for $7.95. I ordered 1 pink & 1 blue. What the hell am I thinking? We're more than a year away from TTC and I just ordered a nursing cover? I'm truly trying to force myself into optimism...I guess this is one way of doing it. I just need to rememeber to breathe. This is a lot.

SA results

2009-03-31T16:31:00.001-07:00

Here we go, from last week:

SA from 2 years ago:
Liquefaction: between 10-30 minutes (which is normal)
Sperm count: 5.90 million (should be at least 20 million)
Morphology: 8% normal
Motility: 40% after 1 hour, 30% after 2 hour (should bebetween 50-100% at each hour)
Ph: 7.6 (normal is 7-8)

Today:
Liquefaction: greater than 60 minutes (not normal)
Sperm count: 9.0 million
Morphology: 42% normal
Motility: Total motile is 18% (should be greater than50%) This test didn’t break down by the hour.
Ph: 9.0

So, the PH & liquefaction are off in today’stests, but I don’t care…he could have a virus or whatever thateffects those, those are very temporary things & I don’t care about them (unless someone thinks I should??). The count went up a lot & the morphology is perfect (they want morethan 30% to be normal). The motility decreased quite a bit….but….theway they break out the motility is a little different on the most recent SA. It says Rapid Progressive: 13%, Slow Progressive: 5%. Then, it says thesum of % of Rapid plus Slow should be greater than 50% OR the % of rapid aloneshould be more than 25%. If you look at rapid alone….it’s 13%and it should be 25%. Not too bad….it’s bad, but I don’t think it’s too bad.

Check-in

2009-03-18T14:10:00.001-07:00

I fully understand that infertile women have a particular level of insanity that is socially accepted among other infertiles. Yet, I wonder if I've gone too far. I dropped off our semen sample this morning at 7:15 a.m. at a lab I've never used before. I've been thinking about our little guys all day and praying they are swimming strongly. I couldn't help but call the lab on my way home from work to see how my little guys are doing. They couldn't tell me anything specific, but they were so kind to not yell at me for being a paranoid infertile woman. I am so grateful for her kindness. The great news is she thinks our analysis should be complete by Friday and we can pick up the results. So, we should have our results before we leave for vacation on Saturday and we don't have to wait for our doctor to read them...we can just show up at the lab at they will give us a copy of the results! Yay for us!

Assumptions

2009-03-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

This morning, after some passionate lovemaking that we did to a plastic sterile cup, I rushed dh's sperm to the hospital for our first SA this year. When I arrived, I told the receptionist that I had sperm in between my boobs and I couldn't wait to register, they had to take the sample immediately. Luckily, we live about 10 minutes from the hospital and this hospital also takes our insurance and the SA's are covered 100%! So, I'm sure they'll be seeing a lot of me. Anyway, she looked at me like I was crazy, clearly she doesn't understand why someone would drive around with sperm in between their boobs. Thankfully, a supervisor was standing nearby and heard my request and immediately took me back to register and take the sample. She was very friendly and prompt. I was prepared for the inevitable "how long have you been trying" question, and I'm actually not quite sure how I should answer that, but she didn't ask. She did, however, say "good luck" as I was leaving. Her assumption being that we are trying to get pregnant. I'm relatively certain (although this is an assumption on my part) that she didn't assume that I'm praying for those sperm to be strong and healthy so we can use it to impregnate another woman. It made me think about all the incorrect assumptions I hold about other people. It is in moments like these that I realize, despite my passionate hatred for infertility, I am a better person because of it. I am, at times, a bitter, resentful bitch because of the struggles of IF. But in moments like these I realize I am a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate person because of it. Since exploring the option of traditional surrogacy, seeing a pregnant belly has become easier for me. Considering adoption has allowed me to have compassion toward pregnant teens because one day, I may need one of them for my own chance at motherhood. (Sidebar: I have compassion for most pregnant teens, excluding some, explicitly excluding Bristol Palin) Receiving thousands of dollars in medical bills in the mail from IF treatments, I have a deeper appreciation for my job and education that allows us to be able to afford the chance to try. There are few things in life I know for sure, but one is that the desire to become a mom is not limited by the ability to pay for it. Unfortunately, for many people the reality of becoming a mom is limited by fiscal restraints. That's bullshit. We live in the wealthiest nation on earth (is that still true?) and our citizens are left motherless because they don't have 25K to 'try' for a baby or another 35K to adopt. Bullshit. I digress.

I'm so over this

2009-03-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

So, today was the big appointment. The 1st urologist a few weeks ago was a total prick, so onto urologist #2. Our appointment was at 3;15, we were called into the room at 4:30. Off to a wonderful start. The doctor comes in, very nice. I breathed a sigh of relief, at least there is a nice (hopefully knowledgable) doctor in front of me that will finally answer my questions. Just as I exhaled he told us that they scheduled us with the wrong doctor and he doesn't specialize in infertility so we need to reschedule. In the meantime, he'll order 2 SA's that we need to have done 3 weeks apart. I. Hate. Doctors.

We will do our first SA on Wednesday this week (if all goes as planned, which it probably won't). We have our appointment with urologist #3 on April 2nd. We leave for our cruise on Saturday. It can't come fast enough.

When was the last time you felt joy?

2009-03-16T10:39:00.001-07:00

I was thinking last night about surrogacy and babies and how infertility has changed me into a person I hardly recognize. I had a faint recollection of joy. Do you remember joy? I wonder if I will ever feel it again. Will the day my baby is born via surrogacy be filled with joy or will my happiness be tainted because I'm not the one lying on back recovering from bringing life into this world? I don't know what the actual definition of joy is, but I've always considered it "happiness untouched". The experience of being happy without any aftertaste of sadness. There always seems to be an aftertaste of sadness in my life since infertility.

In anticipation of our urologist appointment in under 2 hours (it can't get here quick enough), I called our insurance company to see if they cover semen analysis. To my delight, they cover them 100% with no copay! Of course, they exclude millions of other infertility related procedures because our medical community thinks fertility treatment is a convenience not a necessity, but I digress. I thought for a minute that I was experiencing just a tinge of joy, we've saved a few hundred dollars for each SA we do, no exclusions, deductibles...there's no catch, just "Yes, we cover them at 100%". Definitely something to be joyful about. And then I thought that normal people who experience normal joy would never be joyful about insurance coverage for infertility treatments. 10 year ago, I would have never been joyful about such coverage but today I experienced it a bit. I didn't think about how I wish they covered uterine replacements or the entire costs of surrogacy (since they won't be paying for my pregnancy), I didn't feel sad that we're needing an SA to use my dh's sperm on another woman instead of me. I was just purely joyful for the coverage. I'm thankful I was able to experience that joy for a brief moment, although I see it only speaks volumes about how much infertility truly has changed me. Joy...over insurance coverage so someone can run tests on my husband's sperm? I've set a new, much lower, standard for joy it seems. Infertility causes us to create new normals. I no longer think of sex when someone says that she's "trying to have a baby". I think of IVF, ICSI, laboratories, IUI's, morphology, and no intimacy at all. That is my new normal. The same holds true with joy. Joy can no longer be happiness untouched because all my happiness with forever be touched by infertility. I must redefine joy for my new normal of a life.

It's only a day away

2009-03-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is our appointment with the new urologist. Fingers crossed. Seriously, way more than fingers are crossed, I'm a little anxious and really not prepared for dissapointment. I've spent the better part of my time thinking, researching, and talking with dh about surrogacy. I want this and I want it with our sperm. I'm really not sure how I feel about using a sperm donor.

I'm still communicating with 2 potential surrogates. They both know we're not ready to start right now and it's been really nice just taking our time and developing relationships with each of them. I feel like I know them both really well. I've had a few others email me, but for one reason or another we've decided not to pursue eachother. M & K (the 2 surros) are really making me even more hopeful about this process. Truly, I know some people enjoy the security that a surrogacy agency provides but I love communicating directly with the potential surrogates. I'm not at all interested in pursuing an agency at this time.

My brain isn't working well, I can only concentrate on tomorrow. I'll be having sperm dreams tonight...swim baby, swim.

How much do you trust me?

2009-03-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

I've spoken to the experts, two surrogacy attorneys in the 2 states that we're considering working in: Ohio & Indiana. Even in Ohio, where we can get a PBO, the law is just barely on our side. So, it all comes down to trust and really, I'm not a very trusting person.

In high school, I had the most brilliant English teacher. I simply adored him and he put so much effort into teaching us, it was truly humbling (it's humbling now, back then we didn't seem to show our appreciation as much as we should have). One of the greatest lessons he taught me was to always question whether or not we, as the reader, trusted the narrator. The classic example of this is the Great Gatsby, a story that I will always appreciate for its many lessons, one of which is discerning who is trustworthy. I've carried that skill too forcefully into the rest of my life and rarely trust anyone, sometimes for valid reasons and other times for less valid ones. In one of our appointments with S, she said that life would be so much easier for me if I learned to trust. True, but the risks are greater too.

I'm pretty content not trusting the average person; the skepticism keeps me safe and I don't feel like I'm missing out on too much. However, I'm beginning to believe that surrogacy is going to require more trust than I've ever been capable of giving to someone. To trust that I will give another woman my dh's sperm (assuming we can use it, we're still waiting for the big appointment on March 16th), and trust that woman to nurture and carry my husband's baby for 9 months and then just give us the baby. Just like that. No legal battle, no devastation, she just gives birth and says "Congratulations, mom" and I become part of the elusive Mommy Club in a single second of pure trust and generosity. Unbelievable. I wonder if I'm anti-trust more than the usual infertile person or if this simply comes with the territory? For any of us that must depend on another woman to make us parents, do we all fear trust? Does anyone trust so easily that this doesn't seem like a frighteningly ridiculous move to assume this lady is just going to give us the baby? I realize that I can ensure our TS lives in CA, or will agree to give birth there, and I can hire the best attorneys, read and re-read our contract dozens of times, require medical exams, pysch evaluations, and maybe even hire a private investigator, and still...I can never be too certain. I don't know if she's spending her evenings in a smoke-filled bar or filling her body with disgusting KFC not-real-chicken chicken, or taking pre-natal vitamins. I simply can never ensure our babies safety unless I trust that this generous woman is giving us her best.

This is, again why, my dh should not make me wait so long for a baby! I overanalyze everything and I'm going to be contimplating these types of notions for the next many months. I really wonder if I'm capable of giving someone complete trust. In this situation, I think the risks are too great not too.

March Madness

2009-03-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

How is it March already? Although I feel that this year is passing us by too fast, I'm comforted by the quick passage of time. That will mean that our ridiculous date of 1-1-11 will be here before we know. Actually, that's unlikely, but today is making me feel a little better. Dh & I are living on different planets of reality about when we should start a family. I cry, scream, and make sarcastic comments that I want a baby now, I want to change a diaper now, and console a crying baby now, breastfeed now, decorate the nursery, go shopping at BRU, spend all my money on adorable baby clothes that they will outgrow before I take the tags off...I want all of that now. I've never been a fan of delayed gratification and I don't intend on liking it anytime soon. But, dh says "we'll have that honey, just not right now." He thinks that's a very appropriate response and he honestly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong-he's giving me exactly what I want just not when I want it.

So, March is here. And it's off to a shitty start. My FIL is in ICU, he'll be fine, but he had a close call with death due to some blood clots that have found a new home in his lungs. My SIL is at Children's Hospital with our newest nephew, the poor little guy just had a spinal tap. He has a fever and is screaming constantly. Still no news about what is wrong with him.

I've been emailing a lot lately with M, the surrogate who lives in Indiana. I have a call into the famous surrogacy attorney there to discuss all the legal implications of TS in Indiana. I know it's completely premature to be consulting an attorney, but I like to know all the details of what I'm considering and if I can have a free consult....the more info I have the better informed our choice will be. I'm really growing to love this idea. If our TS can live close (Indiana is close enough), I can attend every doctor's appointment, ultrasound, and even spend quality time with her during our pregnancy. I truly can't imagine it being any better than that. Unfortunately, the law isn't on our side, especially if we have to use donor sperm. However, she's been a TS before so she knows what it feels like to give the baby up. The likelihood of her changing her mind once she's done it before is slim to none. There are plenty of other odds we've faced that are slim to none and those have came back to bite is in the ass, so we're still being cautious. She's in school to be a nurse, and she graduates in May. She has 4 kids and her dh has had a vasectomy so no chances of his swimmers getting in our way. She's really nice and we seem to be able to talk openly & honestly about everything. She's completely against aborting the pregnancy for just about any reason except something that threatens her own health. I'm still afraid we'll sink all our money into this venture to end up broke & without a baby. I refuse to let fear get in our way of parenthood though...so, I'm going to keep chatting with M and hopefully things continue to go well. She knows of our ridiculous 2011 date also, she may have a pregnancy in between now & then, which is perfectly fine with me.

We have an appointment on March 16th with the new urologist. We leave on March 21st for a cruise...I'm counting down the days to the urologist appointment way more than I am the cruise. That's really pathetic.

2009-02-27T13:24:00.001-08:00

I had an appointment today with my wonderful therapist, S. I recounted the story of the hospital experience and explained that I've had a rush of every possible emotion over this past week. I'm devastated, hopeful, depressed, and elated at possibility. I explained to her that I keep debating adoption versus surrogacy. After I finished what felt like a two hour monologue, she looked at me and said "Well, how do you expect you'll make a decision?" I don't know lady, that's why I'm here! I always know exactly what I want, I'm a very decisive person. I know where I want to vacation, what I want for dinner, my favorite ice cream flavor, what I want to watch on TV, which book I want to read next. I can easily make decisions, even major decisions, without excessive effort and very quickly. I'm afraid something is wrong if I can't make the decision between surrogacy or adoption as definitively as I can determine if I want Pumpkin Pie ice cream or Butter Pecan. Today, I'd choose pumpkin pie. Tomorrow, perhaps butter pecan. Aye, there's the rub. I feel like my decision is mutually exclusive. If I choose surrogacy I am not forever indebted to surrogacy. If it fails, we turn to adoption. If I don't like it before we start, we proceed to adopt. I will not be held hostage by my decision. If we spend tens of thousands of dollars on failed surrogacy attempts, there is no doubt we will find a way to scrape up the money to adopt. I've been so afraid of making a decision because of fear of the decision I'm not choosing...what if that one was the better decision to make? Well, then I make it next time. It's like what Oprah always says, "You can have everything. You just can't everything all at once."

How much is that doggie in the window?

2009-02-26T10:24:00.000-08:00

I decided I should test my emotional strength last night. My very dear friend had been keeping me updated all day long on the progress of her labor. She called at 4:00 to tell me she had a C-section and delivered a little adorable perfect baby girl at 1:05 p.m. I avoided her baby shower and avoided her as much as possible throughout her last trimester and I know she really wanted me to visit her in the hospital. So, when Jason got home we called the florist and ordered an arrangement of pink flowers delicately arranged in a crystal baby block. As I arrived at the florist, Frank (the owner) was there. He and his wife did all the millions of flowers for our 2 day wedding celebration. I hadn't seen him in a few months. He handed me the arrangement of flowers and with a smile on his face told me that he & his wife are expecting their first baby girl next week also. I faked my happiness. I should have known at that moment that God was trying to tell me this was too difficult for me. I should stay home, hidden under the covers, safely protected from the fertiles of the world. I didn't listen and we proceeded to the hospital.

When we turned the hallway corner to head toward the maternity floor I had a flood of memories that temporarily consumed my thoughts. The day I had my hysterectomy the regular woman's floor was full so they put me on the side of the hallway dedicated to labor & delivery. As I was walking the halls for 2 days after surgery I was walking alongside new mom and their bundles of joy. It was hell.

Jason & I kept walking and the nursery was located on our left, I stared at the floor as we passed it trying not to catch a single glimpse of all the babies. We arrived at my friend L's room without seeing a single baby. It was a miracle! I was so relieved. I gave her and her dh a hug and offered my congratulations. The baby wasn't in the room and I didn't want to ask about her, but I figured that's what this whole event is about, so I asked where she was. Apparently her body temperature was a little low and they put her in the nursery under a heat lamp, I imagine similar to the roast chickens that are sold at the grocery store. I said, "Oh, I'm glad they're able to get her warmed up". And then it happened...her dad said, "She's in the nursery. Don't you want to go see her?". Well, actually no I don't, but how do I tell a room full of strangers that I came here praying I wouldn't have to see the baby. So, we followed our same path back toward the nursery but this time I was forced to look in. There was a large section of glass and actual steps that you had to step up on in order to view the babies. It was an observatory of sorts, the most bizarre display of children I've ever encountered. I stepped up and glanced at all the babies bundled tightly in their bassinets. I felt like I was peering through the bakery cabinet at a Cake shop...which one do I want? I didn't have to analyze my selections long to know that I'd take any of them, all of them in fact. The crying ones, quiet ones, the black, the white, the ones with no hair or too much hair, the boys and the girls. I would take every one of them and bring them home with me. I am convinced that I would love each one of them with more passion than any of their fertile mother's could love them. We stared at her baby briefly, she was simply perfect, and then we returned to visit L.

Shortly after we returned to the room, the baby was brought in. Apparently her temperature had risen and the nurse explained she had little mittens on her hands and a hat on to keep her warm. L asked if I wanted to hold her, I insisted her family hold her first. Her sister picked her up immediately and after what seemed like only a few seconds, she passed her off to me. As I was reaching for her, someone said, "Be careful, they are contagious". Everyone laughed.

I held her for a few minutes and then passed her off, I then said that L should get some rest so we'll be on our way and we left. The moment we turned the corner from her room I began to uncontrollably cry. I thought it was a somewhat acceptable display of emotion because maybe everyone will think that someone died during my visit to the hospital, which isn't entirely a lie. I think part of me died in that room...or in front of the baby display...or at the florist. Will I ever stop dying?

On the sperm front we have an appointment on March 16th.

When doctors are assholes

2009-02-24T16:44:00.001-08:00

We had an appointment today with a urologist to discuss dh's sperm. I was looking forward to this appointment to give me answers and....dare I say it, hope. I didn't get either. The doctor was an asshole. He answered my questions with just one or two words and provided very little information. The highlight of the appointment came when I asked him about particular supplements to possibly increase the quality of sperm and he suggested I research it on the Internet. Ahhh....stupid me! Why didn't I think of that before? Research...on the Internet! Of course! What a great idea! I failed to enlighten him that all I've been doing with every waking moment is researching on the Internet. I wondered if he realized that not everything on the Internet is true? Seriously, what an amazingly ignorant suggestion to give a patient! I love the Internet and truly do not understand what people did before its existence, but, it also is very addicting and can be toxic to one's mental health. I needed comfort in words from an actual live physician, I needed my questions taken seriously and answered with consideration and thought. He failed.

Our RE (whom we love) is through the University of Michigan, I didn't want to see a urologist through U of M because it's far away and the drive requires extra time off of work and we can't drive together because we come from different directions....but, it appears that's what we'll be doing. A doctor at U of M would never suggest that I obtain medical advice from a website that could be created by a 13 year old doing a research project on male sperm. So, we have an appointment at the end of April to meet the new urologist. Prior to our appointment we have to give 2 semen samples (yes, we, it's a joint effort.) so he has 2 recent samples to analyze. Here it goes...I know it's just $500, but, the price tag continues to climb. IF treatments are so expensive, we tried this once before, I remember our mailbox was flooded with more medical bills than I've seen in my life. I'm trying not to panic over this yet, it's only a small amount of money now....but, infertility treatment is like crack cocaine, it's addicting and once you try it once you can't seem to stop. And, semen analysis is the gateway drug of IF treatments. It doesn't seem like it hurts to "just try it", it's "only" a few hundred dollars, no one will get hurt, there aren't any risks, and no one will even know you did it! The next thing you know you're shelling out tens of thousands of dollars to an IF clinic for surrogacy and IVF, ICSI, and a side of egg donors.

I guess I can safely say surrogacy in India is out. But, surrogacy in the states is very much in. Traditional surrogacy specifically, we've definitely ruled out gestational surrogacy. I don't think normal people consider their childbearing options in this order, but, at least I can say that I've carefully examined each option and in the end we'll be making the most educated choice possible. I can't ask for anything more than that.

On a lighter note, I applied for an online teaching job today. I doubt I'll get called because I'm sure they are flooded with PhD's applying for the position but I would like to put my master's degree to good use and I've always wanted to teach. So, we shall see.

How the world turns...

2009-02-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm now communicating with two potential traditional surrogates in the states. One live in Ohio & the other in Indiana, both about a 4 hour drive from us. I just don't think India is going to satisfy me, we need an ED and there is such little info available on them and then the surrogate is in INDIA so it's not like we can participate in the pregnancy very much. I want to rub the belly and I want our baby to know who carried him for 9 months...those are things India simply cannot offer me. I think it's a wonderful choice for so many people, just not for us. I joined this forum that is for intended parents & surrogates and I've met tons of really great people so far. A TS from Ohio seems so awesome, my only concern is her age, but we're not ready to start down this path quite yet anyway so I'm sure we have plenty of time to find a TS if we want. I have a call into the urologist to answer some of my questions about dh's sperm. We have an appointment in 2 weeks, just in case he can't answer all my questions over the phone. He's not in until Thursday (of course) so I have to try and be patient until he calls. I having thoughts that we could use dh's sperm with IUI if we can improve his numbers. Maybe if he lost a little weight, ate more fruits & veggies, and took supplements his numbers could get better. Then, we would do TS with his sperm and 9 months later have an adorable little bundle of joy. For now, I'm trying to hold out on thinking of all the potential hazards of lawyers, pre-birth orders, and contracts and just trying to focus on what "might be". It would be nice, although, I'm also trying to prepare myself for disapointment bceause nothing fertility related has ever been good for us. Would we want to do TS with donor sperm? I'm not sure. In the meantime, I'm learning as much as I can about TS. Our previous journeys with surrogacy only considered gestational, and there is so much more to consider with traditional. Although, the costs are lower because you avoid IVF/ICSI, which is great if our sperm is good enough.

I had a massage today, with my friend who is 41.5 weeks pregnant, she had hoped it would induce labor. We booked a double room and undressed together, it was tough to fight back the tears to see her beautiful baby belly. It makes me want one of my own even more; a baby and the belly to go along with it.

Sperm Problems

2009-02-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder what the record is for a single couple having a number of infertility issues? I'm pretty sure I'd hold a strong competition! I have or had: PCOS, endometriosis, adenomyosis which left me without a uterus or ovaries. We've also talked with our RE today and dh has some major sperm issues, which makes surrogacy just about out of the picture. So, are we seriously going to pursue surrogacy using donor sperm & donor eggs? I doubt it. And, we can't do that in India for sure because the laws require one of us to be genetically related to the baby. I guess India is definately out of the picture. We could do traditional surrogacy in the US with donor sperm but I think that legally complicates things quite a bit. I like choices-I don't like when they are all taken away from me. I'm mad at God today.

Why am I doing this to myself?

2009-02-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

I really wonder if my pursuit to attempt surrogacy is more about what I'm missing than about what advantages I think might be available to my baby. I know-duh! I'm sure this thought is obvious for those who have really seriously considered surrogacy, but I'm still in the "why" stages of considering it. Why do I want to do it? Why do I want to create another life when there are babies available to adopt (yes, it takes a long time, but they are still available). Why do I want to risk so much for a baby that isn't even genetically mine anyway? I get it, I really do, want to look into the eyes of my baby and see my husband, or watch her read a book and realize she loves to read like I do. My dh is 6'7", I definitely want to create a baby that will have his athleticism and hopefully some of his red hair. I want that and I realize I will likely never have it. I'm not about to venture into surrogacy so I can naively think a baby that is 1/2 Indian and 1/2 my dh will somehow turn out to be a 6'7" red head. The possibility of that is unlikely. So, if the baby probably won't look like him...what are the other reasons?

Do I really think the genetics of an egg donor are far superior than our future birthmother? Nope. I don't. Additionally, I have proof that this stuff doesn't always work out like we envision. A close friend donated eggs to her cousin and 2 were implanted (at different times), which resulted in two beautiful children, one of which has downs. They probably attempted an egg donor knowing they would have all knowledge about her medical history and they would likely avoid any unknown medical problems. I want control, but I'm only tricking myself into thinking surrogacy gives me more control. I need to learn to understand God is the only one with true control and he's upstairs laughing at my attempts to control what ultimately lies in His hands.

I want to be pregnant and that will never happen. I want to feel my baby kick and I somehow think that being able to watch a surrogate lay on the table and see my baby kick in her stomach will make me feel better. I'm not sure it will. I need to learn to trust that God has a plan beyond my understanding. If I want to do surrogacy for reasons other than control, then I think I should do it. But, if I'm choosing it because I think I'm really going to control the destiny of my future child...I should keep dreaming!

The Illusion of Control?

2009-02-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Ever since my ovaries were removed, we thought we had abandoned the idea of surrogacy. What was the point if we couldn't create a biological child? Just over a week ago, I had an appointment with my therapist in which I expressed this strange sense of disconnect with other people considering adoption. It seems, through reading blogs, forums, and books, that many PAP (Potential Adoptive Parents) imagine the ideal situation for adoption is that they get "the call" in which the agency says "your baby has been born, TPR has been signed, come pick him up!". While I agree that it would be the most amazing phone call of my life, it's not my ideal adoption scenario. I instead envision a phone call that says "a young, healthy, newly pregnant girl has seen your profile and she'd like to meet you...and of course, she's available to meet you immediately because we understand you have no patience and couldn't handle the anxiety if you had to wait for an appointment to be scheduled." We meet, fall deeply in love (as PAP's and Emom's can do), and she invites me to attend every single doctor's appointment, I listen to the heartbeat along with her, receive ultrasound pictures of the baby just for me, and we even get pedicures together in our spare time. I can rub her belly and talk to the baby whenever I want, I receive copies of every prenatal test, every blood test and I can even discuss the results with the physician. Of course, I have complete confidence the entire time she's pregnant that she won't change her mind, and her boyfriend is completely supportive of the decision and has allowed us to receive his medical records for our files. I'm in the delivery room, Jason cuts the cord, she visits the baby in our home and is delighted with the joy that this infant has brought to our lives. She comes to the first birthday party and everyone knows that she is the angel who made me a mother. She proceeds to attend college where she meets her one true love and we're invited to the wedding. I'm one of the first people she calls when she finds out she and her husband are expecting their first baby together. Suddenly, my body feels as if its on fire as I experience yet another hot flash and am reminded that reality is much more harsh than my dreams.

I feel like surrogacy might be an option that suits us better than adoption because I feel like I have more control. I realize that our adoption situation is unlikely to mimic the one in my dreams. But, do I really have control? Am I considering surrogacy with the belief in the illusion of control? When I met with S, our therapist, I told her I wanted to really understand my reasons for choosing one over the other. Why do I want to fly half way around the world, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the uncertainty of an egg donor that we receive limited information on, all for a chance at a pregnancy? Oh, and then, we actually have to stay pregnant for 9 months and pray to God that we deliver a healthy baby (and hope that doesn't happen before I arrive in India for the delivery!). Why? Why do I want to do that? Why do I want to spend the first month of my child's life in a foreign country? What makes surrogacy such a better option than adoption that all of that is worth it? Do I really have more control or do I have a stronger illusion of control? I need an answer to this question, I need to find peace. I'm not risking all of our money, all of our time, just because I'm somehow tricked into thinking I have more control when I really don't. And, who's tricking me anyway? No one! It's my own mind, attempting to control anything I can because I realize I've lost total control of my becoming a mother. Women should have control over that. We've been liberated; we fought for the right to choose, the popularity of birth control pills, the right to not spend our lives as uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant in the kitchen. I want the choice that nearly every woman has; the choice to decide exactly when I'll be a mom and under what conditions and how many children I'll have. I want that choice without considering the genetics of an egg donor, selective reduction, or the inequity of an underdeveloped country. What woman needs a history lesson about Asia before she can adequately contemplate conceiving her firstborn?

Does either situation give me more control than the other? I'm not sure it does, I think they both equally give and relinquish control in similar porportions but different senarios. The control, or lack of it, is manifested by different means but exists all the same. So, how do I choose? I'm no further in my understanding in what choice to make. This is annoying me.

Therapy, anyone?

2009-02-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Jason & I have an appointment tonight at our therapist. We started seeing her when the grief of IF really became more than we could handle. As I've stated before, our quest for a baby had began long before we were even married. Once we finally tied the knot, (and domestic surrogacy was out of the picture), I immediately was ready to adopt. Jason, on the other hand, wanted to (and still wants to), "enjoy marriage". We're going on more vacations this year than we can probably afford (a cruise in mid-March, a week in Disney in May, and 10 days in Disney in October. Did I mention we're going to Disney? As a side note: I love Disney World! And, my mom just bought a house there that she's renting out. I love it! Check it out) Ok, back to the point). So, Jason wants to enjoy marriage and I want a baby yesterday....so the breakdown finally got to be too much and we sought help from a therapist. She's been incredibly helpful and understands the struggles of IF more than I thought was possible from any fertile person. Jason & I saw her for several months and then slowly started to see her less and less. I, however, continue to see her weekly as the pain of IF has yet to lessen and being that a few months ago one of my best friends & 2 sister in laws were all pregnant at the same time...I was ready for a nervous-no-baby breakdown and therapy is still much needed.

We're going to see S (the therapist) again tonight-together. This is a major decision, flying half way around the world for a baby, and I want to be sure we're doing this for the right reasons...that we're selecting a 'chance' at surrogacy over adoption for the right reasons, and that we're both on the same page. I truly think I'm more afraid of this than I have been of anything. I've been a proven failure in the reproduction department. I'm afraid anything I touch that is semi-related to baby making is destined to fail.

....but, I hate turning away from something because I'm afraid. Afraid? Of what? I'm already a 25 year old in menopause without a single female organ in her body...what else is there to be afraid of? What's the worst that happens-I can't have a baby? No f'ing surprise there! I hate magnets on the refrigerator and I'm certain that even when I'm a mom I will not plaster my appliances with pictures my kids created stuck by ugly magnets. However, on the side of our fridge, tucked away at the very edge is a black magnet (our fridge is black so it's disguised) that says "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? -Author Unknown". A powerful question, one I'm not sure I'm prepared to answer yet. ...

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Answers from RE

2009-02-11T15:54:00.000-08:00

We met with our RE today to discuss our options for surrogacy in India. Since we'd be using an egg donor & surrogate, there aren't any issues with "me" since I'm not really needed in this process...so we just wanted to discuss international surrogacy in general and answer a few specific questions about ET and such.

The appointment was so wonderful. Truly, it's the first time I've left an appointment with an RE without wanting to break down in tears when I got in the car. It's the sick trick they must play in medical school....the same RE that you see for IF issues is the same RE that I see for surgical menopause. Well, not actually the same dr., but the same office. The same waiting room that I sat in with my dh as we underwent ultrasounds and semen analysis is the same waiting room that I sit in now, although now its flooded with other couples with so much hope of creating a family I can hardly stand to be in the room. Only a few seconds need to pass and a hot flash will take over my body to remind me the hope of ever creating a biological child of my own is forever gone. Today though, hope of motherhood was restored, at least temporarily.

Our RE is wonderful and he's the head of the RE department at one of the best hospitals in the country. He seemed overjoyed at our decision to possibly pursue surrogacy in India. He actually said, "totally cool" as he was walking out of the room. Totally cool? I'm not sure on the totally part yet, as flying half way around the world to try to make a baby still is freaking me out, but it definitely has the potential for "cool".

After some recent forum discussions and Internet research I was concerned about the day of ET. I had read some info that suggested that day 5 blastocyst transfer was the best as any embryo that makes it to day 5 is extremely likely to turn into the cutest most adorable baby ever. I'm not sure it actually said the cute & adorable part, but you get the point. However, the clinic we're considering in India does transfers on day 2/3. To my delight, our RE also does almost all transfers on day 2/3. He does agree that in the ideal world of IF (sort of an oxymoron, as in the "ideal" world there wouldn't be IF, but I digress), all RE's would transfer only on day 5 as it could allow the most control over the number of possible babies and reduce the risks of multiples and selective reduction. However, he doesn't believe the medical advances are such that allow for day 5 blastocyst transfers. There are multiple concerns:

Concern #1: Each day the cell continues to multiply and by day 5 it could be multiplying into twins. By the time that cell is implanted & latched to the uterus, the twins will grow & develop in one single sac. For obvious reasons, this is very problematic.

Concern #2: There is preliminary evidence (both practical & theoretical) that "imprinting" could occur. Imprinting references the concern that the cells are growing for an extended period of time outside it's natural environment (the body) and the DNA of the cell is somehow permanently effected by the foreign and unnatural circumstances. They don't know the actual repercussions of this yet, but evidence suggests this is a potential problem of allowing a "baby" to begin development for 5 days in a petri dish.

Another major concern we have is selective reduction. We want to avoid this at all possible costs. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to speak with him about this concern because we learned some fascinating information. First, since we'll be using a young & healthy egg donor and implanting the eggs into a young & healthy surrogate, our chances of pregnancy are about 60% per attempt. Therefore, as few embryos should be implanted as possible. He stated that according to the ART statistics complied by the CDC, the chances of pregnancy does not increase more than 5% when 3 embryos are transferred compared to only 2. However, the chances of multiples & the risks associated with them does drastically increase. Therefore, if we do this, we're only transferring 2 embryos.

Another fascinating piece of information we learned...a twin is likely to be born 1 month earlier than a singleton (8 months gestation), and a triplet is likely to occur 2 months earlier (7 months gestation). However, when you have 3 embryos and reduce 1, thus leaving 2, these twins are likely to be born 1.5 months earlier (7.5 months). Therefore, the risks to your twins are greater when you've reduced from 3 fetuses.

He noted that is greatest concern with this type of venture is the legal requirements, to ensure that we are able to get into the country & leave the country with our baby. We will obviously be researching the laws in more depth and reading through the contract carefully. We may also consult an attorney in the states that specializes in international surrogacy. He did mention that he would like to know that the doctors were trained in Europe or the USA, as those places hold the highest standards of testing. I don't yet know where they were trained, I'm trying to find that information out now.

I was thrilled after our appointment. However, my excitement was short lived when reality set in and I realized that no one was telling me this is a sure thing. Yes, we have all the odds in our favor, but anything could happen. So, I get home and log into my private adoption forum that I haven't visited in several days. This lady has posted-who I adore-saying that she received a call last night that a healthy 22 year old college girl gave birth to a baby girl, signed TPR, selected her & her husband as the parents and the social worker is on their way to her house to deliver their baby. Damn it! I'm happy for her, I really am.....but, I want that! I want a stork, or social worker (I'm not picky), to just drop a baby off on my doorstep! I don't want to fly half way around the world for failure, I'm completely capable of failing in reproduction from right here in my living room.

How do you actually go about making this decision? Adoption? Surrogacy?

Appointment with RE

2009-02-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of questions that I would like to speak to my RE about. I discussed with dh and we both agreed we should schedule an appointment to talk to the RE. Jason probably thought we could wait a few months, even a year, before we talk to our RE, particularly since he doesn't want to get started with any baby making process right away. I, on the other hand, thought we should speak to the RE immediately. If there are some major concerns after speaking with our RE, I would like to know now before I continue having my pipe dreams about making a baby in India. Since we see one of the best RE's in the country, at one of the best hospitals in the country (University of Michigan), I thought it would take a while to get in to see him...at least a few weeks which is longer than I typically have the patience for. To my delight he has an opening tomorrow at 3:30 p.m. Perfect!

Here are some of my questions:

We will need an ED and a surrogate. What are our chances of a live birth?

Does have a ED & surrogate impact the decision to do a 2/3 day or 5 day transfer?

Is the pregnancy rate higher w/ 2 or 3 day transfers or blastocyst transfers?

Should I be concerned if our RE in India wants to do a 2 or 3 day transfer

Can embryos be frozen on day 2 or day 5? Does one have a greater quality over the other?

Will am embryo that doesn't make it to blast stage have had a chance if it was implanted at day 2 or 3?

Are you familiar with anyone who has attempted surrogacy in India?

Would you be willing to consult with us as we go through the process of selecting a surrogate & ED?

I'm sure I'll add more as the day goes by. 3:30 can't get here soon enough!

Weighing the options

2009-02-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

Of course, my mind won't stop thinking of India, surrogacy, babies, adoption, and there's a little bit of space left to think about our upcoming vacation in 40 days.

We were confident that we would adopt. I didn't think there was a reason to pursue surrogacy if we couldn't produce a child that was biologically related to both of us. I truly wonder how I got back on this path. I'm frustrated, the infertility rollercoaster is a rough ride with dozens of seemingly impossible choices to be made. The adoption rollercoaster isn't much different, but I've experienced the heartwrenching disappointments of the IF journey that I'm hopeful the adoption journey wouldn't be so tainted. There are many success stories on both sides; couples waiting only a few days for "the call" and have their baby in their arms just hours later and couples that experience a textbook pregnancy after their first IVF. I have little confidence in my body's ability, so thank God we'd be using an egg donor.

There is a baby at the end of an adoption journey. That same guarantee isn't so with surrogacy. I know many couples that have experienced failed domestic adoptions or were in the midst of an international adoption when the country closed its doors, but knowing we would be pursuing domestic adoption and we've already done our research, there would be a baby at the end. It might be a long wait, and we may experience failed matches, miscarriages, or a birthmother's change of heart, but eventually there is a baby.

There might be a baby at the end of surrogacy. Do we gamble with every penny we have (and don't have) to take the route that is less certain? There are some amazing possibilities with surrogacy. I'm most attracted to knowning that our baby receives excellent pre-natal care and the connection that we can have to our developing baby during the pregnancy. I want to see the first ultrasound, hear the heartbeat, and know the second my child joins this world. I want to know the surrogate is caring for herself, that excellent physicans are ensuring her health, and all the necessary tests are being done during the pregnancy. I can't get those guarantees with adoption.

What if we spend everything we have and there isn't a pregnancy? We fly half way around the world and come home childless. How would we ever afford adoption? How long would it take us to save the funds to adopt? How many times would we attempt pregnancy if we weren't successful the first time? And, then, there's the actual pregnancy. Getting pregnant is only half the battle, then we must stay pregnant. What are the chances we'd have a successful pregnancy that ends with a healthy baby?

How many zeros?

2009-02-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

It's an unfortunate reality of infertility that much of the decisions to be made are largely based on cost. I never thought that money would play such an integral role in my decision to become a parent.

I have extensively researched adoption. Since the adoption laws in our state are horrible, we know we would adopt out of state, which adds significant costs because we'd need to stay in that state until ICPC clears which could be several weeks. If there are any complications with the TPR, the stay could be longer. We've estimated that adoption would cost us approximately $30,000, give or take $5-10,000. The great part about adoption is that we know, in the end, there will be a baby. However, the sad reality is that the baby is almost certainly exposed to nicotine in utero and possibly other drugs, extensive stress, and the chances are high that the birthmother will not have a diet rich in essential vitamins and minerals. That is very difficult for us to accept. As much as I love Cold Stone, I know I wouldn't be putting anything in my body that wasn't organic, vegetarian food if I was pregnant. I don't even allow people to smoke cigarettes around my pets, I certainly am not comfortable with my baby being trapped in a bubble filled with second hand smoke for 9 months.....I digress, I'm off topic. So, the point is, we estimate the costs to be $30,000, of which a possible $10,000 is "at risk", meaning if the birthmother changes her mind prior to the TPR we will have lost that money.

Surrogacy in the states is priced out of most people's range. Since the insurance companies are quickly catching on, most insurance clauses now exclude surrogacy which means the IP (intended parent) is responsible for buying the surrogate an insurance policy (the cost is unreal, since you're buying insurance for a soon-t0-be pregnant woman) or paying for the prenatal, labor & delivery out of pocket (anyone ever looked at their hospital bill before?). So, surrogacy in India is an option that is possibly affordable for us. I emailed one of the clinics today (to remain nameless at this point) to get a breakdown of their fee structure. Here it is:

Stage I (A+B) $ 8,900
(Surrogate booking; Agreement; IVF / ICSI procedure; Pregnancy test)
Surrogate investigations, preparation, endometrial priming & booking
Legal (agreement) charges
Follicular monitoring, Procedural (IVF / ICSI) charges, Hospital stay, semen freezing, ET, surrogate care, pregnancy test

Stage II $ 7,900
(Antenatal care; Surrogate medications, investigations, special care, special accommodation, child care, diet, lost wages, Insurance, surrogate clothing)
First trimester (3 months)
Second trimester (3 months)
Third trimester (3 months)
Stage III $ 5,900
(Delivery; Post natal surrogate care; Visa assistance)
Delivery process (normal / caesarean), birth certificate
Visa assistance, DNA testing (from UK Lab)
Surrogate care (2 months) (Medications, stay, care, diet, lost wages)

Optional
Indian Egg Donor $ 2,950
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking
Legal (agreement) charges, agency program charges
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

Caucasian Egg Donor $ 13,550
(Egg donor selection; investigation; booking; fees; medications; egg pick up)
Egg donor selection, recruitment and booking, flight, hotel stay, food
Legal (agreement) charges, Nurture, agency program charges and ED compensation
Egg donor investigation, stimulation, monitoring & medications

To try once would be approximately $12,000 in medical costs (we need an egg donor and would use an Indian egg donor) and the travel costs to India. My preliminary research estimates the airfare to be approximately $1,500 per person and hotel accommodations to be around $300 a night. We would need to stay in Mumbai about 7 days and both of us would need to be present to sign the contract. Considering the other costs of visas, transportation when in Mumbai, food, etc. I think it will cost about $20,000 to attempt pregnancy once. That's a lot of "at risk" money. I believe it is possible to freeze some sperm in India, if the first attempt does not succeed, they could use the frozen sperm and another fresh cycle with an egg donor and we wouldn't have to return to Mumbai. Or, if we have frozen embryos left we could try a FET. I'm waiting to hear back from the clinic to see what the options and costs are if pregnancy does not occur the first time.

Here we go again

2009-02-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me wouldn't be shocked to know that I'm considering taking great lengths for motherhood. The concept of surrogacy in India, surprisingly, isn't new to me. Jason & I considered it in 2007 and opted not to proceed. Our circumstances are different now and I've been incredibly blessed to come upon someones blog who has decided to take this incredibly drastic and exhilarating step herself. I emailed her and we've been communicating and I'm starting to believe this might actually happen. Oh, and all of this has happened in the past 48 hours. That's also something that no one would be shocked to hear, when I want something, I usually want it now and I'll go to great lengths to make my wish come true.

My wish is become a mom. I believe God exists and He has a purpose for each of us. Noah's purpose was to build the Ark, Walt Disney's purpose was to bring endless joy to millions of children, George Bush's purpose was to temporarily destroy happiness for every American for eight straight years, and my purpose is to be a mother. Despite God's best intentions, he apparently misread the manual somewhere because he created me with more reproductive issues than any woman should ever have. I struggled through most of my childhood with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and PCOS; all but the later remained undiagnosed until I had a hysterectomy when I was 22. After which, I met the love of my life. I love the phrase "the man of my dreams", but I would be lying if I called him that. I didn't dream of marriage or a tall handsome man to sweep me off my feet. I was perfectly content standing on my feet, but he made me weak in the knees and we were engaged 9 months after our first date (on which, I kissed him first).

In February 2007 he proposed to me with a ring hidden in a container of Cold Stone ice cream (minus the ice cream) and I immediately began making every wedding plan. Within 2 months, our entire wedding was planned for the following year. We wanted a long engagement, a chance for me to finish grad school and prepare for our wedding. Just 3 months after our engagement, my doctor informed me that the endometriosis and ovarian cysts were doing permanent damage to my ovaries. If we ever wanted to consider a biological child through surrogacy, we would need to act quickly. So we did. We cancelled our entire wedding the next day and immediately began planning a wedding for 3 months away. Within weeks we were beginning fertility treatment and arranging to meet with the surrogacy agency in Chicago, IL. For those that don't know, surrogacy is illegal in Michigan, and Illinois is known to have the most modern surrogacy laws in our country. There were several set backs but we continued to forge through the red tape and toward our dream. After consulting with several physicians, we were told our chances of success were extremely low. My ovaries were consumed with cysts and with my history of endo, it was unlikely we'd produce quality eggs. It was a chance I wanted to take, but with a price tag that exceeded $80,000 for surrogacy, of which about $25,000 has to be paid before we even know the quality of my eggs, we opted not to take the risk. We proceeded with our wedding and were married in August 2007.

I was finishing my last semester of grad school, while writing my thesis and simultaneously taking courses toward my PhD, so we couldn't schedule the surgery to remove my ovaries until December when the semester ended. I've often contemplated writing a book about my struggles with infertility, and although it wouldn't be appropriate I think a perfect title for my memoir would be: Everything I learned in life I learned from Oprah Winfrey. I love Oprah. Seriously, I love her. She is a true gift to this world and she inspires me to live my fullest life even in the darkest days of infertility. In October she had a show that featured a couple who had decided to pursue surrogacy in India. By the next evening, in the middle of the night, I was on the phone with the doctor in India that was featured on the Oprah show. The actual doctor. Her name is Dr. Patel and her clinic had a waiting list of 300 couples when I spoke with her. I explained to her the urgency of our situation and she was willing to move us to the top of the list. The doctor-from Oprah-was putting us at the top of her list! Jason & I discussed this in great detail. I discussed it with my RE and even consulted an additional RE for a second opinion. Everyone agreed, the chances of success were extremely low. Additionally, they would require me to have my ovarian cysts aspirated and that procedure had to be done in the states (unless I wanted to spend several months in India or make multiple trips). None of the RE's in the states were willing to perform the procedure if they were not also the dr's to perform the IVF. Ahh, the bureaucracy of the medical profession in America! So, again, Jason & I decided not to proceed with surrogacy and one month later my ovaries were removed.

We've been fairly confident that we would proceed with adoption, however, there are many aspects of surrogacy that strongly appeal to me. I'm so excited to explore our options, read about other's stories, and learn about all the possibilities that await us.